it's a way of life

dear kai,

2008-02-15T07:38:00.003+08:00

just a little bit on why i adore u so..

coz i love that warmth u make me feel whenever u put ure arms around me.
coz you light up whenever i walk in while u work.
coz you endlessly try to stop me from smoking and if that fails, beg for a cigarette yourself.
coz your handwriting is like a 5 year old!
coz your smile makes me melt inside.
coz you always try to be funny and end up looking lame heheh.
coz you mistook "arnab" to be "sayang"
coz you are soooo cheena sometimes.
coz you love piggybacking me even though ure tired and im super heavy.
coz you always think im skinny when im obviously not!
coz my heads fits your shoulder just right when we walk.
coz your hands are bigger den my huge-ass hands!
coz your tummy does that vibration thingy
coz i hate you so much when we fight.
coz i think its hilarious when u start making fun of people (not friends!)
coz i appreciate so much that u get along with alllllllll of my friends.
coz u tried to sing in french!
coz i can grimace at the fact that u secretly like the needy girls (JENNY!!!!) in tvseries that i HATE!!!! haha
coz u mms me little things that wld make me happy.
coz u know i think valentine's day is bullshit, (this includes christmas and watever ridiculously wasteful festivals we have)
coz only u can make me have this really contented, happybunny feeling inside.
and because, you are not only my lover, but my best friend, my kitty, my bodyguard, my Mr Lovalova and my confidante all in one.

I LOVE YOU!

because i'm thankful

2007-12-31T11:49:00.000+08:00

this is for u my babycat because u make me feel so safe everytime we're together. because u allow for irrational decisions on my part. because u give in all the time. because u love praising yourself. because u try ure best to make me smile and laugh. because it tickles everytime u touch my nose. because i feel warm everytime u hug me. because absolut makes u all red. because u let me drool on you when i sleep. because u help me through my unhealthy obsessions. because we mosh together. because you surprise me all the time. because u giggle like a little boy. because u have no backbone sometimes. because i hate u then i love u. because everytime i squash ure specs to ure face when i kiss u, u just keep on smiling.

i love u dear, thank u for the wonderful 2007. 4 more months and it'll be our 2nd year anniversary. how fast!
=)

circean

2007-12-13T00:42:00.000+08:00

I LOST MY PHONE.
my pretty V8 and Dad's pretty pissed off cos its so new.
blame it on absolut and fights and no-sleep-for-23hrs. or just blame it on me.

thinking of getting the V9... its mahogany.. *ooooh* hehehe.

anywayssssssssssssssssssss, i am going to quit my godforsaken job soon.
and tuesday was fun despite the quarrel and the loss of phone.
I managed to be myself again in the stupid pit trying to keep didi and our belongings safe. honest to goodness i had no idea wat the band was playing cos i only know like 2 songs. hahaha. me being there was a show of love and loyalty to a very very close friend. and thank god i wore mary janes, and thank god again cos we bumped into kynkat and dyndinosaur so we didn't have to queue up. hoho.

the night was hilarious. we took the wrong bus and ended up at my alma mattar (TJC!) but eventually made our way to tampines and met hahafiz, vans and wan krang and spent the night laughing at each other doing silly things.

that afternoon however was pretty. botanical gardens with the baby where i fell in love with cacti! hahah. dog poo bags became very very usefull cos it was raining and our foldable umbrellas were all wet. cam whored here and there, got my favourite vegetarian puff and just spent the day in his warm warm embrace. the boy got out of his house at 5.30 am just to pick me up from tampines after he found out i lost my phone. spent wednesday with him and skipped both tuition and work. haha. twas worth it though.

pls wish me all the luck in the world for my educational psychologist internship application to be successful! i really need this.

hehe.

toodles~

bloxors

2007-12-11T10:20:00.000+08:00

that god forsaken game makes me feel so dumb. i'm stuck at stage 10. haha one of the few nicer photos of myself. anyway quick update cos the boy is picking me up in like 10 mins and i havent even bathed.
tonight will hopefully be fun but really im looking forward to getting my pay this friday and just hanging out with the boy the whole of this saturday! :)
i really need the watch. i keep losing track of both time and dates.
and for the first time ever, i feel like a pauper. hahaha.

buy me a watch mommy. buy me parfum daddy! BUY ME PSP, BROTHER! hahaha.
shopping this sunday?
let's hope.

scratch that

2007-12-05T11:52:00.001+08:00

we're not meeting on thursday.
cos there's a new rule now.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaha.
how uplifting.

abandon all hope

2007-12-05T11:22:00.000+08:00

its two hrs past 9am. and you're not here, i shouldn't have hoped right?
it's a month since u said the letters would be in my mailbox. but they aren't.
so never mind.

no time, no time? i wonder why.

it's 11.24. if i run for half and hour or so, i'd still be able to leave the house by 1.
tuition, then work. i can't wait to see didi.
she makes me laugh til my sides burst.

and to my darling friend going through the toughest moments of her life right now, stay strong. i'm always here for you. and thank you for calling me to let out your problems. i thought maybe you've forgotten. when it comes to you and i, the bond will always be there no matter how distant, yes?
and i'm glad for that.

this saturday mary asks to head down to newton after the gig. i should, i should. it's time to ask daddy for money once more. i hate being fucking broke. at least the longer hours spent at work now will render me more cash to play around with. hamsters for didi! let's not forget that. she's becoming like a very much needed twin right now. and next tuesday, how i dread and look forward to next tuesday. haha. the company i treasure. didi disorder, vans vicious, hahafiz bastard, mary contrary (im sorry mary i have no other nicknames for u). maybe the boy wld come along too. let's go swimming at nani's and van's. let's sleep over, let's laugh, let's float around.

i should be having fun, not worrying all the time should i?
hmmm....

oh and thanks nunu for yummy brownies. haha i felt so guilty i had to push half of mine to didi.
so anyway, seeing the boy on thursday. yups.

SAYANG

2007-11-27T00:53:00.001+08:00

I LOVE MY VERY CUTE ADOREABLE SWEETNESS OF A BOYFRIEND!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the real mar?

2007-11-26T22:52:00.000+08:00

so the boyfriend made a list about what he really thought about himself. now, let me see. here's a list of mine.

intellectually: well i know a lot of people might think i'm smart, what with me being in nus and taking up psychology, being able to speak french and converse in proper english and shit but to me, i'm really quite dumb. i know shit about politics, although i wish i could a little bit less apathetic but i'm sorry i just am. i know shit about maths and science and atoms and fuck. i'm not doing so well in school mostly due to laziness i guess. i have no fucking aim in life and no leads on any good career that seems the least bit appealing. i'm stuck with a shit degree. i know nuts about computers except to use the net and mic. office. and i can't play instruments to save my life. i really suck at music.

talent: theres nothing much in this area as well. nothing i can say im particularly good at. i can't sing, i can't play the guitar or drums or bass or anything in that area, i don't have a freakin band unlike the rest of my friends in the scene, i don't write in zines, i don't do poems unless they're about ana or suicide or sylvia plathish shit which i myself find repulsive. i can't play rugby since ive stopped for 2 years, i stopped short of obtaining my private pilot license, i cant play any other sports, i can't run fast, i cant even fucking swim.

facial features: theres just so many things i hate about my face. my pimple scars, which apparently once my boyfriend thought was an eyeliner smudge stain, thanks. my mole under my left eye, my weird nose, my stupid lips which look weird when i smile, my crooked teeth, the color of my skin. it's like neither fair nor tan its just a pale shade of brown which makes me look so fucking dull. the fact that i have no fucking eyebrows and have to draw them every single time before i leave the house or i swear i'll look like whoopi goldberg and my puffy cheeks which refuse to get any more defined even after i lost weight.

body: argh. don't get me started. everyone will slaughter me if i say i'm fat so fine, i shall state here that i'm flubby. chubby. tubby. flabby. boingy. whatever. i have stretchmarks on my thighs and shit. i have scars ALL OVER. i hate the color of my skin. i wish i was translucently fair like Shirley Manson or glowing like Liv. i have gross thunder thighs and my tummy refuses to lose its flabs altho yea, some of u think i might have lost weight. so there. i hate the scars i hate the mozzie bite marks i hate it that my skin is so filled with flaws.

personality: some of u might think i'm sunshiney and lovely on the outside but really i'm a total fucked up manipulative wicked and cruel little bitch ever. i tend to hold grudges although i don't show it, i hate people for no apparent reason at all, i diss almost everyone who looks the least bit ugly although i know i'm not any better, i look down on a lot of people, i hate socializing, i only make friends with those whom i think are either interesting/fun, unique or useful. i choose who i want to talk to or hang out with. i handpick my closest friends. i hate children and the idea of having children although maybe at times for that precious hour i might find them cute. i despise talking to intellectually challenged individuals and i hate almost everyone in my school. i'm an elitist at its best although i may not look it, i may be the world's worst hypocrite. but at least i never backstab any one of my friends, that is if you are my friend. i can be brutally and heartwrenchingly honest if i wish to be and i do think revenge is nothing other than sweet.

so u think mar is a good person?
think again.

la belle nuit

2007-11-11T20:51:00.000+08:00

saturday was a pretty pretty day. after a week of not spending quality time with the boy, we decided for saturday to be one for the both of us.

oh before that, happy birthday daddy, on the 7th. the celebration was lovely! =) i'm recommending Shahi Maharani restaurant at Raffles the Plaza. the ambiance was so exquisite. anyhoo. thursday was deepavali so happy diwali to my hindi friends! or those celebrating diwali. Dad made a beeline for the phone whenever it rang because he wanted to answer it with "HAPPY DEEPAVALI!!!!!" crazy. deepavali was spent with Didi where unmentionables happened so lets just keep that between me and her. nyahahhaa.

friday and saturday was spent with the boy. i finally met nunu on sat where she got to see my hair for the first time. i met up with his parents too! his mom asked if i wanted to be a ninja.. nyaha. nunu, ahmad, the boy and i roamed around city hall/marina, then headed for the air port because we wanted to visit Yan on the job and Nunu wanted to eat at Popeyes. Had them yummy food then made our way back to town where we walked and made fun of little emo kiddies and had a wonderful time just laughing ourselves silly. and later in the night was me and him, singing songs and dancing in the middle of nowhere, doing impressions, giggling and cuddling all the way til about 3am. took the cab home with him where we ended the night with our mindblowing snuggles. he's such a doll, really. we found a pretty miniskirt at warehouse for me to get once we both have money hahhaa.

the kids asked me along to JB with them but i decided against it and thank god i did hahaha. the 12 crusties were detained for having some joints and alcohol and wayyy too much noise. hahah. but no worries, they're all back in singapore, happy and crazy as always.

i need qadir to help me get duromine!
pray for me that he does!

live.

2007-10-30T00:27:00.000+08:00

Why has it been ages? well i've been writing in my livejournal as opposed to my blog, mostly because of the privacy settings. But i'm just too in love with the layout of this blog that i don't have the heart to delete it. but i figure who reads this shit anyway ritee? except for the babybear himself. and he has bugged me to update this so here i am! so anyway, here goes.

October has been great so far. with sooo many things to look forward to, like our anniversary, my birthday, his ord, thrashfest, chalets, raya outing with his friends, the end of the fasting month. blalalala.
i just bumped into Melody this afternoon to find out that she's officially and legally married! the proper wedding will be in 2 years though but they got their marriage vows done at ROM this year. congrats mel!
· So let’s see, in September, there was the coalition which was awesome for me because I managed to find great friends in acquaintances that I never thought would be close to me. The kids kept me busy while chouchou was in camp serving his last month of national slavery!
Coalition gig was alright as well. Chouchou had himself tattooed prior to the gig. You should take a look at his colorful sleeves and the whimsical phrases Mary and Vanessa wrote on him. Hilarious as hell.
· I finally made a new friend in NUS!! Someone I can smoke with in the dungeon. Ayna, part Iranian part Turkish, grew up in Australia and Denmark and travelled to Sweden and practically all over the world. She’s the sweetheart teaching me Danish at the moment, which I’m totally bad at.
· Anyhoo, after October there was raya. Which I wasn’t a fan of, as everyone would have known by now. I dreaded the visiting, the wearing of baju kurung, even though everyone thought I looked timelessly elegant and what not. It was still so dreadful. The sinful food, most of which contain meat so I can’t eat them anyhow, added to the fact that each house serves the exact same “raya food”. The insincere one lined apology, which I finally managed to standardize the night before raya. “selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin, sorry I don’t visit you more often” yea it’s bullcrap I know. But heck, I just welcome them green packets with open arms. Hoho.
· Anyway, post raya was spent mostly in school or out with chouchou or with the kids. Hoho. He
ORD-ed on the 19^th and we had a mini celebration with nunu and ahmad, who are now officially together. It’s nice to have one of your best friends hook up with your boyfriend’s best friend. And they’re like 2 peas in a pod. Adorable.
· I GOT MARY JANES! Sometime before the 19^th I think. Yeaps. There was like one pair left in Singapore and if I didn’t get them I’d have to buy them online so chouchou decided to get them for me before it gets sold to the next person! Blisters on my feet were all worth it cos MJs are so darned pretty! Hannah’s still asking around if any of the guys with smaller feet would be selling off their Doc Marten boots for me. And then I shall be complete! Nyahaha.
· Shopping with the parents where they spent about $1.5k in a day. Insane I know but I bought myself 2 dresses, one from Warehouse and another from Island Shop, 3 pairs of stockings and a very nice bra from Marc and Spencer. I still have yet to get my plaited mini skirt that I can wear with my MJs.
· THRASHFEST! On the 20^th was fucking awesome. Everyone was there except for chouchou. Hannah, Shahidah, Debbie, Mas, Shai, Hahafiz, Syams, Hams, Yati, Haliff, Wan Krang, Zhafran with his new hair, Nobit, Kadir, Badak, James, EP. EVERYONE was there. And the whole gig was insanely fun. The guys were sweet as usual, taking care of everyone and I got closer to Ain which was nice. Post gig chalet was great as well. Although me and syams couldn’t really play the damn PS2 games they had, all of us ended up talking and laughing the night through. It was really cozy and I’m so glad I didn’t miss the chalet. Although I gave that nice Straight Answer guy the wrong dvd and now I feel totally bad about the whole thing. I need to mail him sometime soon. Oh and great news! Eedie’s expecting a baby! And he’s so excited u can see him glow literally. Plus now that he’s staying in jurong east, we decided that if I wasn’t going to a chalet he could cab me home the next time. Thanks bro. It’s just too bad chouchou was busy with relatives, and now he feels really crabby about the whole thing. Haha.
· We celebrated my birthday on Monday, a nice private celebration, just the 2 of us. It was very cuddly and mindblowing as well. Thank you dear. And thanks for those 21 flowers you diligently folded for me. Chouchou’s the sweetest, if you don’t already know. Sometimes I feel like eating him up. Monday was really what we needed. Time for us, ok make that quality time for the both of us since we were both busy prior to this.
· Post birthday, we spent more time together, got closer to each other (as if we weren’t already close enough), and learnt to accept and embrace each other’s mistakes as we solved disagreements together. Things are going really well with Chouchou and I’m really happy now. There are of course occasional quarrels but we manage to talk things out and end up in each other’s arms again that night.
my brother's getting me a PSP, if only we have the time to go out together to actually purchase the damn thing.
new music craze: Gorilla Angreb, Dean Dirg, Marjinal, Bratmobile, currently very much in love with the new album of Sayyadina, and i'm still trying to find Si Bunga Hitam and i think Straight Answer is an awesome band to catch live since i've never been exposed to their music before. The Oppressed for oi-loving people, Le Tigre for now, i'm kinda hooked to riot grrrl sounding music. Diskonto, Massmord, Schifosi (as always), _requiem, Holy Roman Empire, Dead Boys. go get em guys.
i'm missing the babycat as soon as he gets out of sight. we've planned things and hopefully we'll accomplish them. getting the job, getting paid, saving money into that account, going for driving lessons (finally!) getting a car, me getting a job, etc etc.
we've decided that if we manage to get enough money we'd contribute as much as we can into the scene, give us a permanent space for gigs as well as accommodation for foreign bands, a place to chill for the locals, maybe a studio if we can squeeze one in. awesome, no? oh and help with the finances so we could get our favourite bands to play in singapore! (Birdflesh!!!!)
The boy has a million and one nicknames now, courtesy of yours truly. Chouchou, Babycat, Bearbear, Meow, Cupcake, Sweetie/sweetheart, and a ton others, some in english, some french and now since i'm trying to learn Danish, probably will start calling him Skat as well. hahaha. Poor boy.
Raya visiting with his friends was fun since we had cars and i needn't have to plod around in my heels. my mother was being so hyper trying to entertain all my friends i thought she'd gone a little bit mad. but the boy says he sees some kind of resemblance. thanks, baby. the girls were all really nice, and since syaf wasn't there i spoke most to Fina and Nunu of course. Fauzi came along and the poor dude had to entertain his so called fans at some of the houses. nyahaha.
Hafi gave me a very very very pretty shirt for my birthday and i have yet to give her birthday present. a very much belated one. Oh speaking of which we celebrated Arefa's 21st at her house with a surprise party. i miss the girls.

so i think that pretty much sums it all. i'm looking forward to meeting the boy everytime i can, spending saturday nights with him, heading down to ah kong and hanging out with the rest of the kids, having our alone time with Luke or Lolita and Rex, watching outrageously wicked/twisted/gory/mindfucking movies. Life's been alright so far, whatever shit i go through, at least i know i have him by my side. along with my wonderful friends who never fail to make me smile with their sms-es, weird random messages online, snail mails with tons of freebies, and their hilarious antics. til next time then.

nofx, anniversary and whatever that comes in between and after

2007-04-27T10:22:00.000+08:00

ok the exams are here, so let's not talk about that shall we?
Duromine's been helping me stay awake when i need to so let's thank Didi for that. only now i have 2 left and i need more and apparently my friends have too much morals in them or they care too much to help me get duromine so nevermind.
hoohoo.
so we did that whole PETA thing during the NOFX show. Twas good! there was this adorable drunk dude who emptied his pockets into our donation box, and we managed to get quite a number of signatures and stuffs, so it was all good. NOFX was alright, i used to be an avid listener so we enjoyed the music although there were hiccups here and there. hahaa. and yes yes i couldnt help it i HAD to get in the moshpit even if it was for just a while. hehehe.
OH and hannahdarling baked the most delicious cake EVER. i think i died and went to heaven. Choc Fudge, moist Choc cake, Cream. Raspberry jam. ARGHHH!!!! we contemplated opening a cafe, she handling the pastries and me the coffee and debbie cld be the waitress! hoho. anyhoo, hung out with the kids while waiting for kaikai and headed back home with him.

ah. i spent a week over at his place because his parents weren't in town and it was bliss! although for most of it i was alone in the afternoon with my laptop in the kitchen smoking and studying, but it was all good. it's nice to see him next to u first thing in the morning, having him constantly whining for more hugs and cuddles, having 1am chats with his brother who is apparently quite nocturnal. hoho. it was all so comforting and i was so torn when the week ended and it was back to us living in separate houses again. sigh. and me, having to separation anxiety disorder did NOT take it all that well. hoho.

oh and we celebrated our first year anniversary a few days ago. hehehe. that's where he officially asked me to be his girlfriend because apparently, us being as slenge as we are, chose our own anniversary because there was no "official sounding" day or whatever. hahahaaa. and he recently pampered the hell out of me buy getting me my $74 mac powder!! yay to M.A.C!! yes yes, very rock n roll as didi would say. and not only that, he bought me trifle!!!! the cake i've been longing to have. YUMMMMM.

went back home for a while because i missed my parents and my dear dear DEAR bunnywabbit pipibaby!!!!! had him sleep with me in my room where he jumped on the bed and cuddled up to me but i accidentally pushed him off again hohoho. we had breakfast together, him having lettuce and me cereal but the idiot had to give me his big eyes so i gave in and fed him some cereal. yes i know. worst owner ever right? i'm planning to take him to the vet soon to have him checked up, after my exams. he's no longer very young u know? about 7 years old already.
:(
i don't want my babybunny to dieeee!!!! argh!
hokay i've ranted on long enough. i need to clean up this room of mine. and i need to return school library books. sheesh.
have a good one guys.

useless update

2007-04-06T14:39:00.000+08:00

existence is futile.
in my case anyway.

in happier news, i'll be helping Hannah set up the PETA booth at the NOFX concert this april.
yay.

wet bunny happy bunny

2007-04-02T23:13:00.000+08:00

apparently firefox doesn't work for me anymore.

3.04am. supposed to be sleeping or doing some french homework but apparently not.

I hate cramps. friday was incredibly painful cuz i think i had both cramps and gastric but the darling came over to take care of me, along with kiki and they decided to let me make them up to distract me from the pain. hehehe. kai+mac eyeshadow=very pretty tranny! ehehhehe. and kiki + some powder + mascara = very chic little girl.

met arefa and sya and some extkgians on sat and sunday, to help them for some NTU filming stuff. trust me, acting isn't as easy as we think. especially when u have a whole bunch of NYJC kids hanging around u. but we did alright i guess. and it was nice meeting arefa again! i miss the girls. and she likes kaikai so yay! come to think of it, he needs to meet up with them. all 6 of them! we had a fight on saturday though but evidently it all turned up for the best cos now he's as lovely to me as ever.

sunday and monday was incredible. we finished the shoot at Arefa's and the boy and i decided to meet after. initially we were still quite dubious about the day and plans because we weren't sure if his leave would be approved but it was! =) anyway, both of us met Mishfish and his gf to pass him my Psychology book and headed to town to catch a movie. The Number 23 was refreshing. Kinda like Fight Club, except less hardcore, less anarchy and chaos. it was focused more on paranoia, the way the human mind works and stuff. interesting. After dinner we walked around, and he decided to get himself some drinks and got really red. hahaha. took him back to dorm, watched some F.R.I.E.N.D.S together and cuddled each other to sleep.

He made me cereal the next morning when i woke up and we decided to visit Sentosa since i haven't been there for the longest time! we took the monorail, got lost somewhere and i obviously have no idea how to read a map despite having taken geography. but we managed to get to the luge. We took the luge and the skyride which was really fun!! Got free rides because Kai knows one of the people or something. Took a bus to underwater world after and we had a chance to watch the dolphin show but I refused cos of the whole not wanting to see dolphins in captivity and stuff. Underwater world was pretty except i think the enclosure was too small for the fishies. especially the Rays. But i got to catch the dugong! my favourite water mammal. she was so gentle it made me feel so peaceful just watching her. After the tour around the marine tunnel we had a chance to feed the Rays but poor baby got bitten by one! hahahaha. it was quite hilarious with me screaming, thinking that his finger was gonna get bitten off. but hey, all's well that ends well. I asked one of the keepers if it was painful or if it wld affect the rays in any way when the sting was being removed but apparently she had no idea. bleah.
took a walk on the beach and returned to vivocity. sat by the jetty where i smoked and had my celery-apple juice and just talked til sundown. had dinner, headed back to dorm cuz he needed to pack his stuff and he left for home soon after. i miss him already!!!!!
cuddlicious and yummy, he is. thank u babyboy for the wonderful day.

Anyway last friday after i cleaned up Pipi's cage I decided to give him a bath and he wriggles around everytime i bring him to the kitchen cos he knows he's gonna get wet but on friday i took him to the bathroom upstairs so he was really confused! it was really cute. and i let him dry himself in my room and wanted leave him til morning but he jumped onto the bed beside me in the middle of the night and started nudging me! i thought he needed some pampering so i stroked his orange fur and he was just staring at me with his bigbig eyes but i fell asleep and he kept waking me up. hahaha. i figured he needed to pee and wanted me to return him to his cage so i did. I LOVEEEE pipi when he's wet after his bath! looks like a porcupine.

=)

pipi love

2007-03-29T00:06:00.000+08:00

tell me how not to fall in love with him!!!
my 7-year-old dwarf bunny pipi.
the only male i know incapable of hurting me. :)

sleepy.

2007-03-28T23:51:00.000+08:00

it's weird that one of my bestest friends is famous. finally got to meet my 2 favourite guys today, Ashri and Faizal along with the babyboy ofcourse. had a wonderful time and i was really amused by the people who kept saying hi to him and requesting to take photos with him and stuff.
i mean, i have TONS of photos with ashri and its weird that they're politely asking him to take one measely shot. hey when it comes to me i just pull his head beside me and click on the camera.
the last time we hung out it was gila-ness and total randomness, no fame, no chicks oogling, no guys staring. it was just us. and now everyone's looking at our table but somehow to me ashri will always be ashri. the goofy guy who's cute but at the same time really sweet. loves to play with my flabby arms and loves that "big doe-eyed look" i always give. hahaha.
i'm happy for him though, he deserves the whole big break but hey, the entertainment line has got him wrapped around their finger and knowing he has a gf i can't be the inconsiderate best friend who forces him to make time right?
so we'll do with what we get. less frequent meetings but when we do meet, it's all good. i just hope he's happy. happiness is hard to come by, and when it comes, grab hold of it and try not to let anything make u upset.
i'm sleepy. i need to get out of my dress, bathe and sleep.
i miss khairulnizam.
even if all the cutest vampires come hunt me, it's u i wanna be bitten by.
kekekekkee.
he has the most beautiful smile. u gotta see it in person.
i love love u kaikai!
oh and lots of love to my 2 clumsy boys as well. =)

crap

2007-03-24T11:56:00.000+08:00

i am annoyed.
im not sad. not disappointed.
i am ANNOYED.

and when i'm annoyed, i don't think straight. i start eating a lot.
and when i do i get fat.
which gets me angrier.
SO FUCK YOU if u made me annoyed.
gravel at my feet and apologize.

whatever la.

la fraise

2007-03-20T23:20:00.000+08:00

yea so we were playing that slapping game i'm so bad at and james is having the time of his life hitting me with all his might.
it was a fun night. Senorita gig was alright, met a whole bunch of people i havent seen for quite a while and it was good! Went for food, and late night games and drinks with the boy and a bunch of friends.
=)
note to self: please please PLEASE complete your assignments.

no, rabbit people aren't unfriendly. although the boy says i have a killer look when i'm not smiling. oh well.
the dorm has been good to me so far. i love my friends in school. ok maybe i have 2 so far. didi and kiki. let's hope vanilla'll be part of them as well. it's nice to know someone else who appreciates hardcore music. and she's adorable. (yes, her name IS vanilla. like my perfume!)
i need.
i need time.
more and more time.
i need less duties and outfields for my boy.
i need bcp.
an endless supply of m.a.p
i need new lingerie. and cookies as well.

i feel liberated, after quitting spinelli. i do. although i did have a dream about roy. he smiled at me, while sorts of calmed me down. hmm. miss him.

i need to meet a lot of people. but they can wait. for now, i just wanna cuddle my bunny.
oh! i finally got a new laptop. 1GB ram, marinah-proof, spill resistant keyboards. i love fujitsu.
i need to meet up with nuri more often.
and yes i need to lose 4kgs. don't ask me why. it's never enough.
my jeans expand after washing. how annoying.
levi's. sigh.

she's sleeping on my bed and left me 5% of space for me to squeeze my butt on to sit and type this. but she's a leech and i love her still. hmmm.
i wanna trade arms with Adrianna Lima.
more pics? maybe later.

boy, i miss u.

folie!

2007-03-13T10:23:00.000+08:00

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon." --Comedian Chris Rock

ADUWTGUWGOUSBDFHVAOIVA~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-11T16:38:00.000+08:00

u and your promises.

tell me again that you wont get mad at me over the phone.
tell me again you'll never go back on your words.
make me endless promises, tell me that you'll always love me, that u're always missing me. go ahead. tell me everything.
at the end of the day, you break it all.

so next time, i advice you to please, just shut the hell up and not make empty promises.
cos they sure hurt as hell.

oh i forgot, didn't u promise not to do that as well? not to hurt me?
well u did.
and u always do whenever u raise your voice or walk away from me over a tiny incident that we could have just sat down and talked over. but no, make it huge, u must.
so go ahead.

i shall just be your ragdoll. i shall shut up, bind myself to u and just go limp.

cold hearts

2007-03-02T08:45:00.000+08:00

you're tired.
so am i but hey, i'm not doing combat work so i should't complain should i?
from hereon, there's no need for coaxing.
i am independent, i am smart and i am capable.
so i become a little bit colder, no harm done, ey?

meow

2007-02-26T08:36:00.000+08:00

i bought pipi a new litterbox thingy, a wireball for his hay, new bedding, new woodcarrotsticks for him to chew and a little funny toy thingy.
and what does he do?
push away everything to lie on plain cage flooring.
sometimes i want to pinch my rabbit's cheek so badly. arghhhhh.
i think he's just very habitual, not wanting to get used to new toys and stuffs. TERRIBLE.

oh. today is the day i start my diet again since during the hols, i ate like a pig. so ok.
my boyfriend needs to meet my sisters soon. they're starting to nag at me already. and if he can survive an outing with 5 ridiculously insane and loud teenage girls, he's part of the family already.
:)
i miss big fat cat.
BIG FAT CAT COME SNUGGLE WITH ME NOW.
lazy lazy lazy
im a piggy and i like it.
im slenge and i love it.

hallmark holiday!

2007-02-15T15:20:00.000+08:00

as usual, every year this evil rabbit will tell herself and her single friends (as well as those attached but who don't give a damn) about the wicked Valentine's day massacre on the couples' wallets. and she goes on and on about how the celebration of love should be done everyday and not just focused on this one day alone, where u see girls who either look too fat or too skinny in their dresses and their overly done makeup.
sigh.
and me being me, and being in very doink-ed relationships before, have never ever celebrated valentines' day. except for the very bimbo-tic schoolgirlish thing we all do in school where friends give balloons and roses to each other, and we all walk home with backpacks filled with a whole bunch of chocolates, candies, strings of balloons tied to our wrists and us struggling to keep those single stalks of flowers alive, and for me, throughout the journey from bedok all the way to jurong.
ahhhh those days.
but yesterday however was different! hehehe. since the babyboy wanted to celebrate it and after getting upset with me when i said vdae was "just a another date", we decided to have our own celebration on my terms. hahaha.
things didnt really go according to plans because i'm not important enough for him to take a day off from fucking NS (to which i'm still mad at him about although vdae is over)
BABY IF U ARE READING THIS I DEMAND A DAY OFF I DONT CARE.
so i wanted to pick him up from work and go for a blood donation beforehand. SOMEHOW, there were so many fucking ppl donating blood on vdae that it took me like 1.5hrs so i was too late to pick him up. So i decided to visit dear dear Mary Contrary after shaikitty called me down, at her workplace to hang around whilst waiting for kaikai.
AND HE WAS 2 HOURS LATE. i was furious.
there i was at the tattoo parlour with my girlfriend, wearing a dress so prettily for him and he's like 2 hrs late.
but the little boy had a surprise of his own! he bought me a bouquet of tulips. (awwww)
sweet sweet sweet boy.
he, the one always trying to outshine the rest of my previous boyfriends. my dear dear kai, u already are the best i ever had and could have.
so anyway here's the highlight.
we took the reverse gmax bunjee ride thing. muahahahhaa. unfortunately we didnt get the dvd cos i thought it'd be like a normal ride and EVERYONE knows the evil rabbit isn't scared of heights or rollercoasters or skydiving and everything right? well her bunnymate is.
he was soooo frightened! well mad at first cos i insisted on wearing a dress but hey, i was still decent at the end so he got over it. BUT YES HE WAS TERRIFIED.
and my dear dear boy was screaming like a girl for the whole of clark quay to hear
sigh. when we boarded the ride, there were like a few people, not much, who stayed to watch. and as we flew up and he started YELLING like some oprah singer gone wrong, a whole other bunch of ppl came to watch! hahahahah. which was SOOOO hilarious for me cos i started to shout "CAN U STOP SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL" and i had no idea there was a mike so everyone on the ground knew it was him screaming! hahaha.
we were welcomed back on earth with plenty of warm smiles and laughter after that.
happy valentines' day sweetheart.
ate at billy bombers but sadly i cldnt eat anything cos their valentines' special were all filled with meat! arghhh. so it was just soup for me!
after which we returned to my dormie, had our own funtime and cuddled each other til it was late and he left for home.

thank u sayang for one of the loveliest days of my life.
:)

anyway, i went to the gym today. it sucked balls. NUS GYM SUCKS.
any good gym to recommend? preferably near the west area please thank u!

garbage

2007-02-09T02:49:00.000+08:00

it's not u.
it's never u.
it's me.

senses

2007-02-04T08:41:00.000+08:00

u know how sometimes things are being said when ure angry, when u dont actually mean it?
and when the fight is over ure supposed to let it go right?
well here's where the problem comes in.
i cant let it go.

words get embedded in my mind and i cant move on until im sure u really dont mean what u say.

and omg to top things off i bought the most disgusting tasting cigarettes ever.
dunhill reds i miss u so.

people say when ure in love u tend not to think things through before u say them
u promise them this and that and u break it and its all part and parcel of this thing u call love and relationships.
disappointment sets in sometimes, between the both of u.
but at the end of the day when he kisses u goodnight, when he hugs u and snuggle his head into ure neck, taking whiffs of ure smell, u know that its all worth it.

he has me wrapped around his finger.
it's worrying me!
=)

but it makes me glad somehow.

secret wish

2007-02-03T06:49:00.001+08:00

u have no idea how i long to disappear.
i wish i could

07 > 06

2007-01-01T18:54:00.000+08:00

happy new year!!
so how did u spend your new year's eve? mine was pretty much the best ever.
the afternoon was spent at my cousin's to celebrate rayer haj, where all me and the girls did was to lock ourselves up in the room and started singing like crazy. helluva fun!
initially i had to work from 5pm til midnight but joanna covered my shift for me so YAYYYYY. i was free that evening.
Met the boy at 8, where i kinda disappointed him cos i wasnt wearing my dress but i really liked my new top and jeans and lucky for me he did too! made our way down to city hall and we had a really cozy time at fort canning where erm unmentionable things happened. hohoho. thrilling, though. after that we sat at some ocbc or i dunnowat building where i was smoking my last few cigarettes since he wants me to quit this year, so yeah. heartbreaking as it was. 11.45 we made our way down to raffles one, where there was this opening to some reclaimed land across the sea/river from the esplanade. and we were just on time to catch the beautiful fireworks, each shiny little spark sending me gleefully smiling at the same time twitching in his arms because of the bursting sounds they made. the fireworks ceased and there we were at the stroke of midnight, me in his arms and us having the greatest new year's kiss ever. =)
we sat by the river where he threw some of my tobacco away (as in ripped open the paper wrapping) and made sweet promises to me, as i to him. just sitting there with him, the wind sending chills down my spine and his arms warming me and stroking my hair lovingly, was the best feeling in the world.
oh and ofcourse, it was filled with so much laughter.

me: i can't believe i had a crush on u when i first saw u at the gig

him: crush? u crushed me? u crushed me like a paper
(here is where he held me close and i was quite puzzled by the mention of paper)
and u threw me into the dustbin..
(and here is where i repeatedly made fun of him and semac, and again controlling my laughter)
and u take a vanguard sheet and drew a heart
(HERE is when i burst out laughing and he laughed and cursed non stop)

the cuteness of my boyfriend! where else can u find!?!!!!!!!! arghhhh.
i love him sho very much.

after lepaking we went to meet the rest of the diy kids at the museum party where hahafiz got adoreably drunk muahahhahaa. and where i met my darling kitty and nadia! =)
supposed to meet hannah but her cousin dragged her to clark quay so we missed her, sadly. i had to get home cos my cramps were killing me already.

anyway, to the love of my life,
thank u for a fabulous 06, for rescuing me from a monster, for making me wanna wake up smiling, for allowing me to be myself, for loving me for who i am.
thank u for being a part of my life, sayang. and i can't wait for an awesome new year ahead with u!

hush

2006-12-28T21:14:00.000+08:00

i'm not as strong as a lot of people think i am.
at times like this i see the bliss in the sound of silence. do u get what i mean?
when ure silenced, people tend to turn to u, people tend to miss u, tend to want u more.
bliss, uh?
there are times of comtemplation but i try not to let anything cloud rational judgement.
who defines what's rational anyway?
what happens if u try ure best and it's still not good enough?
and running away isn't an option?
hope for a that miracle that will eat u inside out, make u have everlasting dreams, that u hope, wont be nightmares and just fade away.
i think everyone has had their times of contemplation before.
i write in circles don't i? i can't tell u the truth because then u will think i'm crazy, and u will get mad at me, and then u'll start putting ureself at fault, get really agitated and blow this up into huge proportions.
nah, it's nothing.
it's that sinking feeling u get when a cute little girl broke the crystal glassball that ure late mother bought you.
you know u can't blame her.
it's that heartwrenching feeling u get when it rained, after you did your hair for the one you love.
it's the loss of hope.
when the sweetest smell of your favourite perfume seems dull.
when your favourite color blinds u.
it's just all of that put together. wrapped in a little box, with no pretty ribbons.

u know what i wish?
i wish i could move u, i wish the things i did matter to u, i wish i could be the reason u woke up to every morning. i wish to be ure source of happiness.
and even if i cant be all that,
i wish for you to be happy. that's all.

do you think they regret it, when they jump off that building?
or do they feel relieved? like it's finally been done.
oh but u know who i pity? the ones who's got to clean up the mess. erk.

i want to be a cake when i grow up.
get u to oogle at how yummy i am, the more fattening i am the better.
get u to eat me up, let me feel u with that temporary sensation of orgasmic yummiliciousness.
get u to smile, while im inside u, until i disappear.

i am crazy.
oh no! the psycho psychologist.
heh.

secret keeper

2006-12-16T09:13:00.000+08:00

theres a little piece of treasurebox up north that i have, who keeps my most precious secrets.
i think.
theres a little piece of my mind i'd like to let known to the world but its best kept inside.
theres a little piece of u i'd like to bring with me wherever i go, if only its possible!

:)

hello khairulnizam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'll be out of town for a week, how are u gonna survive? no hugs, no one to feed u, no kisses, no snuggles, no sms-es, no puppy voices, no laughter.
how am i gonna survive?
hehehe.

i love him, i do!

breakdown!

2006-12-11T10:49:00.000+08:00

im sick.
:(
and i want my baby.
i hate being sick. i feel like a cow.
ok.
i just wanted to complain.

there are 8 rules.

2006-12-03T20:26:00.000+08:00

hello. im in school waiting for the mom and dad to pick me up.
trying to pick an outfit which covers the hicky on my neck.
trying to clean up a room beyond dirty.
trying to print out an article with an inkless printer.
trying to do the impossible.

so many things happened. so many people got upset.
count me in.
what do u do, when a good friend of yours pass away? how do u react when it's so sudden? who do blame when you get so angry? what do u do to his messages and his phone number in your hp?
i don't know.
i failed statistics.
that, i know.
ever get that feeling that u dont really have a purpose where u are? theres that one time u think uve found ure saviour, the one who makes u feel like ure needed but what happens when u disappoint him/her? what happens when they stop needing u? back at square one?
u stand at a funeral, trying not to let ure tears get the better of u.
u think of the late, and u miss him already.
u use all of ure strength inside u just to stand still and not break down.
because everyone tells u not to break down. so u have to stay strong.
and then, there u are at the most vulnerable, alone and afraid, sad and struggling, u meet ure breaking point.
as she struts in front of u, u looking like $2, in ure cheap black skirt and shirt, doing everything u can to keep it together, and her all lanky and pretty and fair with painfully straight hair and fabulously long legs.
"oh,ok.."
thats the last thing u need.
really.
so tell me again, when can i really break down?

the happy bunny speaks

2006-11-07T02:17:00.000+08:00

hello.
when i try everytime to stop thinking too much, sometimes i fail. its just congenital i think. see? think. anyway, from the start both u and i know i'll be ranting long and randomly about them confused thoughts in this brain. bleah. so try stop me! i wish i cld stop myself sometimes. but here goes.

here we go again, down this path of insecurity. how exactly does it feel to be sure of yourself? to walk around with a perpetual smile on your face, to confront the despondence of life with such grace and dignity, to walk away from failure with that aura of success. how does it feel? to be in a world of perfection knowing ure nothing like it? do you know? i don't. and i have a feeling noone really knows. i have been told once to look deeper inside to find a peace of mind, to calm l'orage and sail through the morning, avec une belle sourire. believe me, i've tried, and so have most of u. sometimes i ask myself what are we all fighting for? or else, what are we all fighting against? could it be ourselves? or the person beside you? or your best friend? or your past lovers? dead pets? inexistent heroes? here you ask me why i'm so upset over the littlest things in life, about not getting that perfect set of cutlery to use, about not getting that room colour just right, about that strand of hair that refuses to stay in place when there are people starving elsewhere, when there are children in need of parents, when there are infants in need of touch. true that. why complain when u have 40 channels on tv to watch, why complain when you have legs to walk, why complain when u have your mp3 compatible handphone, or 18 756 bags to match with all your clothes? why are we never satisfied with what we ever have? is it because we're selfish?
i doubt so.
i refuse to believe we're all ignorant of the real world. we're not are we? some of us do volunteer work for the needy, some of us work our way up the corporate ladder, and use the money to help the poor. some of us give whatever we have to the little hungry kittens we see around us, some of us never fail to give that $2 to that old lady selling tissues. some of us speak up for the people who are less fortunate. some of us do.
so we're not all nonchalant towards society, no?
so why, when we're aware of so many people who are in much worse positions than us, are we so unhappy with ourselves? is it the lack of love? is it the lack of self-respect? is it the lack of retrospective thinking?
honestly speaking, i have no idea. if i can find the cure for insecurity, i'd make the world so very happy. i dont have any. one might say its because we can never be content with what we already have, that we view ourselves in retrospect to the person who weighs 5kgs lighter than u, who's 2 times fairer, who owns that car u wish u have, who has the partner u were supposed to be with if only you confessed, who has bigger eyes, who has dimples, who has more friends than you, who plays more instruments than u, who owns a band, a magazine, a distro, a club, a cafe. to a certain extent i feel its true, so very true. but why do that when we're all capable of rational thinking? we all know we're alright the way we are.

issit because of the need conventional acceptance? issit because in one way or another we all conform to what majority view as appealing? if so, why have the need to feel wanted? aren't we all fighting to prove our independence to the world? if so, why is being out of the norm considered filthy? why marginalize those who don't conform? why the need to conform?

sad to say i can't answer for everyone when it comes to this. or rather i'm too lazy to think about it but taking it down to a more personal level, i've always felt that there should be no need for me to feel insecure. i have a wonderful boyfriend, i'm surrounded by lovely friends, i have an adorable pet bunny, i'm in a good school (so they say). so why does insecurity creeps in? once upon a time, i believed that if i had that one person, to love me for who i am, regardless of how i behave, how i look, what i say or do, i might fight these insecurities inside. but love in itself has it flaws. sure, u can tell me u love me for my flaws, but not after reprimanding me when i commit them. sure, tell me u love the way i look, after telling me to do my hair or apply a little bit more blusher. [no kaisayang this isnt meant for u, this is just speaking in general ok?] where can u find unconditional love? of a mother's? yes for sure, a mother would love her child regardless of her facial features, or whether or not he/she was a murderer, but the whole idea of disappointment is there. the whole idea of yearning that ure child could be a little bit more humane, or that she would liken herself more to her family, that she wouldn't be such a sore thumb, it's all there. what more, finding that love in a stranger? dare u love me, if i killed your husband, u can ask ure best friend. dare u love me, if i lied to u, try asking your partner. dare u love me, if i failed u time and time again, ask anyone.
as a dear friend once told me, love earned isn't love owned. but love earned is still love in itself, isn't it? u ask ureself, why bother crying over a tiny comment your lover made about his past? why get upset over being in close proximity with his eyecandy when u know you've captured his heart? this, in my opinion, is because we're all afraid to lose. afraid to lose a friendship, afraid to lose a sacred connection u share, afraid to lose that attraction u have. loss, is seen as failure, bringing with it conotations of powerlessness, of being weak, of being not good enough. no, sweetheart, it is has never been about trust. u can trust someone with all ure heart and yet still be so afraid of losing him that u lose ureself. insecurity creeps in when u realize suddenly ure at a dead end, when u know theres nothing u can do to ureself that would so call heighten ure value to ure other party, or to ureself.
ure stuck, and theres nowhere to go.
so what do u do then?
this, im still asking myself. so if any of u have an answer, please speak up.

on a totally unrelated note,
Khairulnizam Abidin, thank u very much for all times uve made me smile. ure priceless, and im sure u know that. :)

explosions in the sky

2006-10-24T06:46:00.000+08:00

i had the most lovely day on friday. Firstly because i didn't have to work! :) that's always welcoming. I switched shifts with Jo (thanks babe) so i needn't have to work then. anyhoos, the boy had plans for me so i was all excited! he came to my dorm early in the morning at 8, while i was having a nap after reaching at about 7am and i told him that the door was unlocked to which he replied the cutest thing ever! "never mind baby, if ure door is locked i'll squat outside ure room and wait for u to wake up"
how adorable! like a toad. =)
so anyways, the morning was filled with explosions in my head with plenty of cuddles and snuggles and watever euphemisms me and him share for erm. being with each other. hoho. i was so excited to show him my new aldo shoes, as well as the new sweater i had and he loves them! After i had my project meeting we headed down to vivocity, yes the very hyped vivocity and i nearly puked looking at the crowd! waves of intimidation and insecurity seeped in but being by his side just made everything seemed ok. somehow on friday everyone was texting me, asking me where i was and if they could meet up so we met Debbie darling along with James my brother! oh and the sweetheart Nuri as well, along with her boyfriend and we were combing vivocity to look for Norman's "fancy schmancy" shawls and some other accesories or watever for his friend. somehow throughout the day my darling got a bit sick and i havent recovered from my own sickness so we were both very nauseas and had headaches and got cranky a bit! haha. but he managed to fix a smile on his face just so i won't feel so worried for him. the darling that he is! :) and he bought me my black skirt so now Hahafiz can silkscreen on it for me yayyyy.
anyway after breakfasting with the rest we headed down to mt faber which i havent been to in like 31530351434 years, or if my memory hasnt failed me, i have never been there at all! hoho so it was an eye opening experience cos the view was really splendid if not for the haze and the weather was quite cooling so it was all so cozy and wonderful. He bought us tickets to ride the cable car! something i have NEVER EVER done, believe it or not, and the sweetheart got us the all-glass cabin so we could see everything :) he wanted to dine in the cable car thing but we didnt make reservations (cuz i really thought i had to work on friday) so we couldnt do that but the whole experience was really nice! i felt like a child dangling on a piece of wire high above ground. i kept squealing in delight at every little thing i saw, from the "SLOW" sign i saw on the road to being able to see the merlion in sentosa to seeing small ships and huge cruise ships. yes, the 15-20 minute ride was really something, cos it was my first time experiencing the cable car and i did it with the one i really love. :) oh but the damn doors kept opening at every pit stop and made a huge thud when it closes and never ever fails to give me a fright. hoho!
anyhows, after the ride we walked down mt faber, talking and smoking (in my case) and i could tell he wasn't feeling so good so we took a cab back to my dorm to spend the night, which was ofcourse wonderful. :) we played with his newfoundtoy (the mp3 player i gave him for his bdae) and had plenty of fun with each other. things are never ever dull when hes around. hoho! so on saturday afternoon i sent him back (decked in my new skirt and my fromashesrise tee, where the boy kept saying i was crusty, WHICH I AM NOT.) and after that i met up with hannah darling to hang out, cheer her up a bit and norman came along soon after, along with debbie and james and muni so we celebrated james's birthday! with a treat from him at pastamania where they got so mad at me cos i kept telling them i was on a diet. huhuhu!
the night was spent with shai, hahafiz, normie, and the rest of the kids. i think ep was there and hazely and zafran, i cant remember all their names hahaha. but i had to leave early cuz Roslan the whaley was coming over!!!!! hehhee. he came over with his black cap as usual, gave me lots of birthday hugs as well as a whole bunch of lighters cos i told him i lost mine the other time and was in such dismay. heehhe. the sweetness that he is, got for me the season 3 of desperate housewives! thanks sweetie. so we spent the night watching movies, exchanging songs, laughing and just having a good time. he left at abt 545am and i swore i thought he was gonna fall asleep on his way home but hey! hes safe and sound now. hehee.

ok i think this entry is abt as long as it can ever get. happy birthday to me and to all other october babies.

have a good one guys.

toorah!

t.s.s.

2006-10-16T15:57:00.000+08:00

the past few days have been busy with projects and exams. and for the first ever time in my life, i failed my french. i should NOT be out til 3am the day before an exam. nonononono.
and i won't. ever again. I promise, Dr Philippe Martin-Lau. Je suis tres desole, je n'ai pas bien reussi mon examen. ah well. anyways, I visited the boy's dad and broke fast with his family a couple of times and he insisted that he thought his mom is very proud of me, for some godforsaken reason. haha! but the daddy kept being super sarcastic in a very amusing way. oh and halfway throught the visit my period came and it was call for alarm cuz i had no pads with me or in my dorm whatsover, and i don't think i have any left at home so the boy and i were frantically searching for the ones i usually use but there wasn't any!!!!!! damn 7-11. i had to get tampons and i was so fixated on me getting the Toxic Shock Syndrome and Nuri kept telling me, never mind, if u get TSS we'll get Norman or Rahmat to save u. -___- pun was so intended. (Thrash Steady Syndicate). but no, thankfully i didn't get tss.
but i got a fuckload of cramps and backaches. which i insisted could kill me.
i sound like a person with somatization disorder, no?
lols.
anyways, seeing nuri was great. she's always making such a big deal when she sees me it makes me feel all special inside.
can i please digress here? i just listened to Agoraphobic Nosebleed, a grindcore band who has such a doink cd cos 98 songs take only 20 damn minutes to play! thats like prolly 10 seconds for each song. bloody hell.
oh yea, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to both hannah babygirl and my darling mommy!!!!!!!!
Mom smsed me on friday telling me that she missed me a LOT. which i found to be so adorable cos i just spent monday til wednesday at home! so anyway i got home on saturday night and devoted my whole Sunday for her, going shopping!!! and goodness my family spends so much on "Raya" shoppin g! i think they spent over $1000 in a day!!! my baju itself cost $300 and my mom's as well so that was $600. and mind u i only bought one. oh but i did bought 2 lovely pairs of shoes from Aldo, which are soo very pretty! and i had to get new shades and a cute sweater. ANDDDD say hello to my pink t-shirt bra i got from triumph which is so bloody nice to wear and so soft to touch!!!!!!! hohoho.
and i was such a sweetheart to my mom, holding her hand, opening doors for her and just giving her my full attention. i think she was very happy.
oh and the boy actually sms-ed her Happy Birthday at midnight which she replied to this morning.

=)

and, my dormroom is super neat and tidy. i just mopped the damn floor! and even changed the bedsheets. hohoho.
i really miss the babyboy. he keeps calling me cute names and it just makes me wanna BITE him or something. *munch*

many birthdays coming!!!!!!! James my brudda!!! and clement-i, as well as Shai KITTYCAT and myself! hahahaha.
how merry.
and i made it so difficult for the boy to get me a cake by being extremely fussy and detailed abt what i actually wanted that he gave up. hahaha.
i'm not too fond of cakes anyway. Spinelli has got me soooo sick of pastries lately.
oh maybe i can get a bdae quiche. HAH! vegetarian, please.
hokay back to my readings, ive got a couple of other stuffs on my mind but we'll do that another day.
toorah!

1800 438 2000

2006-10-09T02:23:00.000+08:00

hello. i really wanna update a lot but its 2am and i just realized i studied for the wrong module.
sigh.
my brains are fucked up.
anyways, here are some quick updates. oh and its been so long since ive posted any photos here. i should ah? photos of the boy, the darlings, whoever ah.
anyway, let me digress. Anal Cunt is a very cute band. they make funny songs with funny titles.
so go check them out!

let me see, we went for the my precious thingy at the library, where they had to make me surf. thank u though. and shaiful, glenn, normie, cher and i hung out til like 3am even though i had a french test the day after, which btw was a joke. i wanted to just stop learning french there and then.
I GIVE UP AH.
l'imparfait, passe compose, descriptions all in an essay. fcuk off and die, as hahafiz wld say.
shai kitty came to visit me with his other darling Angela! whos awfully pretty btw. so yay free drinks giveaway. Ros came over to hang and told me ghost stories up til 4am and left me scared shit to go to the toilet to pee. grawr. Stanley came over pouring his heartfelt problems til 330 am when i shoo-ed him off cos i had work the next day!
OH and say hello to my from ashes rise shirt and Limpwrist shirt! more to come.. crucial unit, vit x, tss! yay.
normie got me stuck to the whole idea of vinyls. now i want a player so i can start getting pretty vinyls with pretty covers. damn.
D&B with shai, azfar, vin, fir and jeremy was cute. jeremy dances like a samurai. and i got to meet dee at last! and the darling danah.
if u havent realized, this whole entry isn't in chronological order. i'm just listing what i had in mind.
me and the boy went all the way. ;)
i hadnt met him in a week so meeting him after was like bliss.
his smell his smile his cluelessness his strange fondness for licking. sigh.
i met ashie toooo. yayyyyy i miss him as well. OH and i hung out with faizal penguin til late finally and ate salsa with potato chipss. HEAVEN!!!!!! i miss the boy soooo much.
oh den babyboy had some like gathering thing with his poly friends where i tagged along. the ben and jerrys were so yummy. and oh i had no idea one of his frens was some famous rockstar person on television. HAHA. im sorry. but he was nice enough to sing us a song at the end. after that we bumped into kitty and hahafiz. i traumatized the dude. hahahahaha.
BUT he still thinks im cute and pretty. (prolly cos i forced it out of him) but still! hahahha.

hello darling, i miss u already. i cant wait to spend my belated bdae with u! ive decided not to celebrate it on the day itself. dunno why also hahaha but yay to the 27th! i get to spend the day with him, and i cant wait.
trust. ive learnt to trust.

ok back to learning.
toorah

where can u run to escape from yourself?

2006-09-30T10:32:00.000+08:00

u were never like the rest.
uncertainty awaits, conformity seeps in, so does this facade of a happy face.
yes, i am happy.
yes, i am strong.

how am i ever gonna tell u how much i feel about u?
move on, we all have to move on.
enjoy it here, and now.
live it here and now.
once u learn to let go, u find peace. that peace of mind ure searching for.
ive found it in u. i find everything in u, actually.

welcome to resistance.

is everyone here? ask not the one who's on the way.
noone's gonna wait for u, noone's gonna lead u there.
don't follow. the path is ures to take.

unleash ure mind. set free.
let the animosity walk in the streets. let loose.

------

on a side note, did i ever tell anyone i was in choir when i was in primary school??
i joined cos i fell in love with a female teacher named Miss Josephine Tan.
prolly because she was the only one then who treated me humanely. i wonder how she is now.
happy birthday october babies. i wonder how mine is gonna be.
i wanna forget the 22nd cos den i wont be in my teens anymore.
nono, i dont wanna grow up. young til i die!!!
i dunno where im going.
i dunno where im heading.
but i wanna do it with u.

this is such a vague entry.
shafa, im gonna miss u. we shd have met up more. when the three of us do, we just let go of all our thoughts. we know we're the same. we know we're not perfect. i like that fuzzy feeling we share. heh.
we shd start the freehugs campaign here. but hey, its not in the culture.
who defines our culture anyway? ah thats a whole long issue.

toorah!

x)

2006-09-21T16:32:00.000+08:00

eh his bdae was good!
got the cake, got his friends, got the girl (me), got the other girl kiki, and GOT AN OFF DAY! wahahhaa.
anyway, check this out

me: eh wat's that creamy thing on top? cream cheese or just cream?
kaikai: cheese lah.

(syaf, kaikai's friend had a look of despair)

me: WHY!???
syaf: i don't eat cheese.
me: DEN PIZZA LATER HOW!????
syaf: oh the cheese on pizza i'll eat. hhehehe
me: -__________________________-

oh the cake was very yummy, according to the birthday boy and i gave him a music video thingy filled with our photos, which u can view here.
he teared.
=)

and i finally met his family. at a wake. how weird.
ok ok ok.
i'm very overworked and i just cried for nothing because im very tired and i'm having pms.
i need my 2 darlings now. i want people around me right now. i neeeeeed to laugh.
OK im off to meet the boy to give him a hug. toorah!

bonne anniversaire, mon cheri.

2006-09-19T00:51:00.000+08:00

this is for the boy who waited for me for more than 3 hours while he was sick.
for the one who never rushed me whenever i'm late (and im perpetually late.)
for the one who makes sure noone's shoes or legs drop on my head when they bodysurf
for him who watches me while i shmuck
for the one who wipes foodstains off my mouth
for the one who holds on to all my rubbish til we find a bin
for the one who synchronizes his step with mine
for him who shares the same taste in music.
for him who dances with me
for the only one who thinks i'm sexy
for the boy who stole my signature puppynoises and made it his
for the one who learnt how to kiss and outdone the teacher herself
for him who bitches with me
for the one who carries my bag
for the one who made a fool out of himself in front of my parents
for him who refuses to stop snuggling and cuddling with me
for the only one to ever cry, when he felt bad thinking that he had disappointed me (he never did, actually.)

for you sweetheart,
i'm so sorry your birthday this year couldn't be as special as i hoped for it to be. i'm sorry u'll only receive ure real gift later next month (eh really this one dont blame me, blame my supplier but technically not entirely his fault also lah). i'm sorry u had so many shortcomings during this special day of ures. i'm sorry imflubber has to take u away from spending the birthday night/morning together. i'm sorry i can't give u a wonderful surprise as i hoped to. i'm sorry if i can't be there to cut ure cake with u, or be there when u blow out ure candles and enjoy ure yummy treat from ure favourite cake shop. i'm sorry i can only spend a few minutes with u on ure birthday. i'm sorry this didnt turn out the way u were expecting it too.
i planned like so many things, sought help from ure best friend and wanted it to be such a big deal. but circumstances got in the way and i know ure really not in the mood to make the occasion a very merry one. i'm so very sorry all this happened on this wonderful day that really was just meant for u to feel like the most special person in the world, cos u are, to me. i'm sorry if it seemed as though i didnt make enough effort to get ure birthday present on time, and i'm sorry if i didnt do a good job in making this birthday a memorable one for u. i really wanted it to be the most special birthday u've ever had, sayang.
i wanted u to feel how much i love u and how grateful i am for all the lovely things u've done for me.
if i could, i would stop time and let us be absorbed into our own world, just for that day.
just on the 20th. i wanna take u to wherever u wanna go, i wanna be wherever u are.
we'll have ure proper celebration, i promise k?
and when it happens, it'll be a real surprise.
=)
happy 22nd birthday khairulnizam.
ilu.

no respect

2006-09-16T13:42:00.000+08:00

i can't listen with all the noise outside.
i can't sleep with constant crying.
i can't smile with everyone screaming.
i can't breathe.

and i need you here with me.

argh, how i miss u.
fuck everything i have. school. work. espresso machines. chocolate chip cookies with milk. the fat bitch. that funny apron. judy's atrocious english. roy's goofy laugh. anthony's failed jokes. dungeons. social groups i'm too tired to fit into. coffeeclub vanilla. honey oat muffins. rushing for classes. both my wallabies jersies. my endless collection of cds. syamsir's black band around my ankle. that blue rubberband i use. puma shoes bought in japan. eeyore and lola bunny bedspreads. white halter dresses. givenchy scents. pink samsung phones. my d.i.y offshoulder tshirts. my stripey leggings. broken laptops. unused stiletto boots. my tkgs uniform. my french verb conjugation book. my favourite barista from coffee bean. mango mango tango. garden patties. dunhill reds. big big teeth.

fuck it all.

i just want u here. =(

hohohoho.

2006-09-02T10:38:00.000+08:00

bonjour! its a saturdayyyyyyyyy!!!!! yay and i'm meeting baby later. i think. there's something wrong with my spacebar ok. doinks.
I had the most beautiful day yesterday and the day before with the puppy. altho we had a tiny tiff on wednesday where i upsetted him, thursday was just lovely. i didnt sleep the whole of wednesday night, don't ask me why, but on thursday i went to work in the morning, to school apres, and met him after school at city hall. he was in a hoodie! and he looked soooo good =) he always looks good. oh we wanted to have a round of pool but there were so many kiddywinkies arnd it just annoyed me. and i was wearing a shortish skirt so we couldnt bowl, and the flicks weren't that great either, so in the midst of all the rain we went to swensen's to have icecream hahaha.
we went to Om's bar after that, cuz Al tazzaq was so packed and im against AlMajlis so the only other available place was Om's bar and it was so lovely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh. the whole day was just so magical cos we were just enjoying each other's company, being in each other's arms, teasing each other, being very affectionate as usual. it was a pretty night =)
oh and yesterday i met him for a short while after his camp and we just hung out at the lake near my house, just lying on each other, telling stories, laughing, giggling, kissing, hugging. sigh. everytime i snuggle into his shoulder, everytime his hands touch me ever so gently when we hug, i can just feel all the love in the world. it's just the way his arms surround me, the way he breathes when i'm in his arms, how he strokes my hair, everything just calms me down. He feels my breathing go slower, and he pats my back like i'm a small lost little girl. he whispers in my ear and tells me he loves me.
these are the moments i'm living for.
or when we were getting ready to leave, when we were both just squatting on the grass staring out into the lake, when i told him, if one day we were to really grow old together, let's visit all our dating spots. he agreed, to picnic, candlelight dinner, music, midnight drivearounds. and he just sighed and told me he loved me.
=)
i've never felt like this before.
really.
i love you babyboy. i do.

comment ca va?

2006-08-26T00:30:00.000+08:00

my timetable is a fuck.
FUCK i tell u.
they should abolish the balloting system. its fucked up.
ok. enough.
let me get away from all the negative aura.
i am tired. its 12.29am singapore time and i just got home from work. blah. we finished at like 1030 but they cldnt open the safe so owen was really befuddled. poor little boy. this is totally random but my feet is itchy. i hate mozzie bites. booboo! baby come kiss it for me.
(still negative aura.)
i think im just tired. my goddaughter is Khai kiki. and i'm updating this just for her. hello u smurfball. i love u. ooooh. je suis une endormie. hehehe. sleeepyhead. Baby met me twice at work just now. he dropped by and I gave him a free drink. he didnt like it though. but the sweetheart finished it anyhows. to make me feel good. he always does that.
my two darlings are gone. they're in KL now. =( no darlings (save for kitty) until sunday! no wait. i think its monday. you guys have been missed by meeeeee.
school's alright. been shmucking and attending lectures as and when i can. i left my laptop at the dungeon and went straight for my french class and kelly had to bring it in for me. hohoooooo. absent minded i am. je suis tete en l'air. but thats me. c'est moi. il ya une probleme? je m'en fous.
ooooooooooh im sleepy. extremely.
i hate the way my hand smells after work. its like a mixture of coffee and milk and grape. eeeeeeeew. and Stephan thought i wasn't local. hahaha. he keeps pestering me and asking me "so how's Kai?" just cos he knows Baby's name. Roy is extremely adorable these days. he keeps muddling me telling me how i've improved and how hes SHOCKED. blah.
i miss the boyyyyyyyyyy. his smell is addictive, i swear. oh. and i love switching birkis with kiki. altho her feet is tiny. she and her punkrock toes. i swear i need to take a pic with her and that cockroach face she did. tres mignon.
i'm scratching my left feet with my right toes. baby wouldn't approve of this, nooooooo.
oh! roy gave me his rudolf deer! hahaha. and a customer said i had an infectious smile. how sweet.
mar lovesssssssss speaking french to her boyfriend. it turns him on u see. he thinks its tres sexy.
and my dad found 10 empty dunhill boxes in my room. yayyyyyyyyyyyyy.
busssssssted.
ITCHY FEET! i swear i've washed them like a million times. mosquitoes pls fly away from here.
eh mindless entry. ok. i'll end here.
lovelove and mille bisous to my sweethearts.

who ever said holidaying was all smiles?

2006-08-03T14:41:00.000+08:00

ok im leaving tonight but not all with smiles.
ya la ya la a few days only but omg its gonna be a week without his voice his goofy laugh his smile his smses arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahaahaha geram ok!!!!!!!!!!
furthermore im missing his gig this saturday. he'll be performing at gashaus with subtle revenge, blinded humanity and some other bands. sigh.
let me go home...
i hate it la when he gives me his puppy eyes and his puppy whine thing that apparently i taught him.
damn.
i should stop doing the funny voices cos when he does it i just melt. sigh.
and i miss my best friend. i miss hafizah ariffin. :(((
no sweetie i havent forgotten abt u at alllllll......
i miss my darlings, i havent met the elf in a long time and he told me "its been a long time since ive hugged/heard/irritated/laughed/smiled with u" sighhhhhhh. tell me how not to love my friends? and i miss penguin and didi and dee and babydanah and kiki. very nice. oh not to mention shai kitty.
did u know when my nick was "i'm in love with the sweetest boy in the world" he actually IM-ed me while i was asleep and said "not forgetting me ok? your kitty, at that" hehehe. he has admitted to becoming my kittycat. so cute rite.
i love these people to death i tell u.
and the cutest thing ashri said to me when i asked him what he wanted from aussie was "oh just come home with ure smile and we'll all be happy. and oh! with an aussie accent too!" hehehehe. can u people stop loving me so much, cos i think my heart's gonna burst. hehehe. the people at the shop were calling me yesterday to tell me to have a nice journey, and ben went "u better come home ah u cibai." HAHAHAHAHA. and he ended the call with "ok bye darling, miss me ok?" and apparently anthony told the whole spinelli i was going away for a week and whenever i answer the phone, the person on the other line goes "so ure the part timer whos leaving the shop for a week!"
riteeeeeeeeeeee............
hahahahhaa.
oh municipal waste is playing in aussie but i cant catch them cos i have no friends in aussie and im totally useless with navigation. so forget it. blah.
sigh. this sucks.
oh but yay to me cos i've bought a total of $140 worth of cds! HAHAHA. the rest, u gotta wait til next month. $140 wasnt enough to get me all that i wanted ok. but oh well. at least i know my From Ashes Rise cd is gonna be shipped to my doorstep in 2 weeks time. yayyyyyyyyyyyy.
next month would be Japan Thrash Revolution, Maximaal Onthaal, Cripple Bastards, Tragedy and La Quiete. i hope i hope.
i wanna go on a holiday with my darlingsssssssssssss. arghhhh. i wanna run away and have tons of fun, watch a bunch of bands live overseas, and come back all fit and pretty.
hahahahahha. doink man.
i ate like 2 plates of noodles and here i am talking abt being fit. marinah, go and die. now!
ok la i know i'm being cranky but i miss my babyyyy. blearh. i told him that after today if he sees someone with bushy eyebrows in the train, to think of me and laugh to himself. hehehee. he says he has no mood at all to play on saturday cos i'm not there. =( its ok sweetie, i'll watch u on thrash night k? we'll thrash the place and you my dear, can jump off stage to gimme a kiss again. hehehehe. and u know i was hoping to surprise my baby with the shoe he wanted a long time ago for his bdae, and YES CONGRATULATIONS. the whole online shop doesnt do international shipping, and i can't find that same model ANYWHERE else. fuck rite? so baby, if ure reading this u can be happy cos i couldnt get the stupid shoe (which was adidas btw, i thought u dun like? hehehhee) cos the shop doesnt do international shipping.
hello ppl in the US, please give a thought to those outside of ure country, who are in need of nice shoes. thank u.
so no surprise for my baby, no nothing
now i have to wreck my brain for something to get him.
and he says he likes things DIY (in the spirit of being a hardcore kid, aye?) so ok lah. i sew u one pair of shoes u want? hehehehe. i use cardboard box, cut a hole to put ure foot in and paint the exterior. hehehe. u wanna wear not? bleah. ok i know he's rolling his eyes while reading this now.
or i silkscreen for u one yogyakarta shirt.
eh actually if i were to do that i wanna get one myself. hah!

this is turning into a long mindless entry.

i havent finished packing btw, and im leaving in 4 hrs. sufficient time la. i think.
i want to go for a run later. maybe at 6
before we leave.
oh u know how stubborn i was? my mom wanted to see dolphins in aussie, so she was asking if we cld go to sea world and shit and i told her "theres no way im gonna support organizations who trap the dolphins in tiny pools, being forced to do tricks daily. NO!" so she had to search for one thats a dolphin reserve, eco friendly and one that i won't mind going to. hehehehehe. she found the place, some Tangalooma Wild Dolphin Resort or something. so yay!!! thank u mom for ure support. and for not forcing me to eat meat. =D

ok i better end this damn entry before i type anything stupid. i know my baby wld be chuckling to himself, knowing how spiderish i'll get before i leave even though he told me since yesterday to start packing and up til now im not done, and i know hes gonna laugh at how cranky im sounding cos i wont get to be with him, and hes gonna smile cos he knows now how much im gonna miss him. right baby?

i'll go wherever you will go.

btw, to all my friends who love taking photos, i'm still wondering why u guys LOVE taking photos of me and kaikai when i'm on his lap, and him resting his head on my shoulder. hehehe.

mailordering is shit.

2006-08-02T09:57:00.000+08:00

ok.
i think i might be spending half my pay on cds alone. there are so many cds i wanna get from ebuilition.com that i think i might spend over $150 ok. cos its all in USbucks. sighhhh. nevermind, i think norman is helping me get nice cds too! and throwing in some of his old stuffs as well. what a kind dude. andddddd he looks like dave grohl. we shd support local distros! hehehe. hence i shall make glenn happy by getting him cake and some cds from him as well. yayyyyy. now i need to find madball for my loverboy. dunno where the hell to get also. but no fear! i shall find it! just for him. hoho.
ok paisey ah, i thought i was leaving today but no im leaving tomorrow. so much for all the "im going to miss u baby" yesterday night. hehehhe.
anyhows, i have a plan that i need to execute very very soon if it were to work nicely.
but i need to purchase some items before hand. i hope i can get out of the house.
yes yes im very excited. *rubs hands together*
ok 6 days without my babyboy while im downunder with the family, and im amazed to even be saying this but i'd trade in the week of me being in aussie to spend it with him. even if he has camp, all i wanna do is pick him up from his work place and being with him through the night.
i remembered him telling me yesterday "it's funny, we dont see other people having their honeymoon period like we do. this isn't a honeymoon. this is fantasy." which is true me thinks. everytime he calls me to tell me he's nearby my heart beats so fast, i get this whole rush knowing that hes there. and thats how the both of us feel. a few days ago we met up, and it was supposed to be just dee, darlingpenguin, danahbaby and kaikai but nooooooooo some other unwanted visitors apparently came to join us and it was annoying cos some of them were speaking in faux foreign accents and they were just being so noisy. i kept pestering the baby to just leave for spinelli at heeren but he said it might look quite rude so we sat there, me on his lap and we just lost ourselves in each other, listening to DS-13 and playing that "what's your favourite" game. hehe. speaking of game, i miss the little kiki. im beginning to grow much more fond of her each day. (=
i just love everything when im with him.

anyway, i read his old blogpost of his past life. truth be told, when he told me yesterday that there's only one person he's kinda afraid of, and that one person being fir, i sorta knew how he felt but i didnt know how to tell him. ofcourse i knew how he felt, he told me once that his ex was the girl he fell in love with the most. and childish as it may seem, there are times that i do feel inferior when compared to her. i mean, she's a fucking ex-model or watever for heaven's sake. and shes tiny and fair and has dimples while im like huge, black, dimple-less and fat. sigh. miss me boy, miss me.

anyways, will be back soon, i fucking forgot to bid ok. im dead.

ANNOUNCEMENT

2006-07-28T23:46:00.000+08:00

HELLO. BONSOIR.

i is missing khairulnizam abidin.
also known as kaikai.

whom i haven't met since monday. *sobs*
i wanna see him NOW. NOW NOW NOW. arghhhhhhhhhhhh.

i have never missed someone this much before. what have u done to me my loverboy?!!!!

why do wait for me?

2006-07-19T22:36:00.001+08:00

hello. surprise! it's my second entry this month. issit? ah well. whatever it is, i feel happy now, and i have so many things to say, and i'm wondering how i'm going to think straight.
come into this cozy room of mine and you'll see me sprawled like a whale on my bed, which is filled with more than 8 pillows, mind u. and i have 3 blankets along with my beady MOGU pillow. oh and that famous antiflag bag that i carry with me too. i have a certain playlist on my 'tunes. songs that remind me of him. which is weird cos it consists of Track 17 and 18 of some hxcmixedthing he gave me, his band songs, along with santana, alanis and eisley. ahhh eisley. oh! and rockinghorsewinner as well. yummy bands they are. and heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy u see me clad in orange shorts and an oversized ARMY tshirt belonging to that certain someone. and i smell of conditioner, strawberries and i smell of him. the cozy baby-ish scent mixed with sweat and just that distinct kaikai smell i call it. very comforting, very irresistable.
he doesn't need CK or Hugo to help him smell good.
i was suffering throughout the day cos i didnt have that tingly feeling in my tummy i get whenever i know he's coming to pick me up. he picks me up all the time but i still get that feeling all the same. and i'll keep looking at my old watch and wondering if he's nearby, and i'll get the most pleasant of surprises when i see him walking past the shop smiling at me. and then i can't stop smiling.
that was what he did yesterday.
he came during lunch though so it was crowded and i was getting slammed at the spin station, laughing at judy's adorable english and ben/anthony's crude jokes and smiling at dear kean yap who's like a small ahbeng doing drinks. and he walked past, smiled at me and for a moment i felt the whole world stopped and i was on cloud 9. yesh, the darling has arrived! when the crowd was gone, he came back and i managed to give him a big wet kiss before returning to work and im just so glad my managers like him too! and forced me to make him a drink on the house :)
the day was spent with him lying on my lap, having a nap while i stare at him, carassed his hair (oh my god he has the softest hair EVERRRRRRRRRRRRR) and massaged his forehead. i sang him lullabys softly and he smiled. bliss, i call it. we exchanged rugby stories, we laughed.
i love it when he hugs me, strokes my hair and my back and just tells me how much he sayangs me. in that smooth voice of his. and he kisses my hand like a true gentleman. his tongue twists when he talks, making him look so adorable when he's embarassed. how he just tidies up my bag, gets rid of all the rubbish and organizing everything just so i wont spend 3 hrs at the station looking for my wallet. i love it that he moshes with me, lifts me up to his shoulders just so i could look for a friend of mine. i love it that he looks out for balloons when we're walking just so i wont get scared. i love it that he looks so yummmmy in his army uniform and his boots, when he wind blows his hair, his dimples. when he drops by for 5 mins to pass me mashed potatoes, when he gets me the songs i want. i love it that when we kiss, i feel like tinkerbell's dusts are all over my body making me float up to the moon. i love it that i can tell him anything and everything. i love the secrets that we share. i love feeling insecure when he tells me things and tries to make it up and coax me out of the whole lull moment. i love it that he speaks mandarin. i love it when he pulls me onto his lap and just holds me like a little doll. i love it that he plays rugby.
i love everything about him.
everything.
2 days without him and i'm turning into a grumpy frump.
hmpfh.
i love it that i miss him so much.
and i love it that he misses me too.
i love khairulnizam abidin.
i hope i spelt that right. hahahhaa.
sayannnngggg dier.

comme a monthly update

2006-07-10T00:08:00.000+08:00

i have come to realize that i update this shit like monthly. hoho.
not that i bother anyway, if i have something to write about and if i feel like it then, voila!
work's been grrrrreat so far. and woohoo. they entered me in a barista competition which by the way, i was so against. anthony stole my ic, wrote down my name, took roy's handphone for my number and faxed the damn paper in before i could even scream his full name.
ANTHONY JASON watever.
ure lucky ure an expired product, anthony. not that u'll ever read this. one day i will put spin mix instead of vanilla in ure damn latte i make each morning. hehe. but anyways, i still love him.
oh oh!
let me relate to everyone now how sweeeeet my manager is. aside from the fact that he pays for my entries to clubs and stuffs, he buys me lunch, makes sure im not overworked (at times), helps me mop the floor when we do our closing together, coax me when i get slammed, calms me down when i get all gittery especially when a person comes in ordering 17 lattes. or when Clive comes for his medium cappucino. hohoho.
ok anyway, he plugged in his ipod shuffle and there was one song that i just loveedddddd. and me being the idiot who never ever listens to radio, have no idea what the title of the song was. on thursday i told him "eh roy sayang i like one song from ure ipod", to which he asked me "which?" and i just shrugged. on friday i had to stand by the espresso machine from 7am all the way til 5pm, due to roy's own bubbling incident *roar*, so i told them to play my cd and not change it til i left for home. Since roy was doing closing, i told him "eh dont change cd ok? cos tomorrow i'm working and i want to play this cd, thanks!" to which he just nodded.
the next morning i came, switched on the cd player, and asked another part timer if they changed the cd inside and she said "no lah ure damn cd was playing the whole day and night" so yay, i pressed play and found that someone switched the cd. and when the next song played, it was the song that i was looking for in Roy's ipod! he actually burned me a cd, put it in the player before leaving the shop, knowing that i'll be the one switching the cd player on Saturday to surprise me.
so sweet rite.
yes i have the sweetest manager arounddddddddddd. and i luv him to bits and pieces.

ANYHOWS,
aside from roy, someone else is being ultra sweet to me as well. waited for me for 3 hrs to do closing, didnt even complain and could even tell me "dont rush, relax, just do ure work, i'll wait". 3 hours ok. he just sat outside my shop and waited. he even bought me the new L'arc en Ciel dvd Asian Tour 2005! the one i went for in japan. and he smses me every day to make my whole afternoon so much more bearable, my friends love him to bits cos he's just so funny, my maid loves him to bits cos she thinks he's cute, even my managers think he's adorable. he brushes my hair in front of everyone in the train, jumps off stage to give me a peck during his gig, he carried me on his shoulder when i told him i miss feeling like a 5yearold, he sits with me at a bay to sing songs and laugh the night long, he lets me sleep on his lap for 2 hrs while he strokes my hair, he took an mc from work just to spend one hour with me to send me to work, he makes the effort to talk instead of shouting or scolding, he makes me laugh, he tickles me all over, he listens to songs with me and sings along, he piggybacks me when i'm tired even though his leg was aching, he wrestles with me when i feel playful, he trusts me with my friends, and he manja-s me like there's no tomorrow.
:)

and yes, he makes me so very happy.
especially when he said i looked stunning.
thank you!

WHOAAAAAAAA

2006-06-15T17:37:00.000+08:00

ok its been eeeeeeeeeeeeeons since i last blogged.
lazy + no time.
wat to say? ok so many things to blog about.
me and him aren't together anymore. if anyone is even interested. im just too tired of having to deal with someone shouting at me almost everyday. 4 months of anger just isnt wat i need. but i do know that there are times that were priceless. i just wished it cld have been that way forever. but hey, im no longer a firm believer in forever. i may sound really nonchalant here cos right now i am, sort of. i'm just too tired to deal. crying, screaming, scratching, all those are yesterdays. say hello to tomorrow.
but yes, i am sorry if i dropped the bomb a little too soon.
i'm just exhausted. it's really debilitating. plus i have work to deal with, problems of my own, i don't need an anchor. i need a sailor. if u know what i mean.

on to happier news, work has been great but tiring. i got fucked by a customer over the temperature of his fucking small caramel latte, which seriously wasn't my fault. thank goodness anthony and ben were coaxing me telling me it was alright and to just leave the deranged fucker alone. and roy is the bestest manager anyone can ever have. he's sweet, hes caring and an eye candy. sorta. charming tall dude who lovesssssssssss annoying me. but hey it's all good. he even paid for my entrance to MOS when we went clubbing the other day. speaking of which, my ic is still with some colleague over at another branch. sigh. workwise i think im very dependent on roy, cos he really takes good care of his trainees. making sure we have food, making sure i'm alright. they even looked out for me when the ex came down to "visit" me. work is always filled with laughter and not to mention coffee and spins and the wonderful thanks u get from those lovely regulars. its true what they say, a smile goes a long way. and heyho, i think im the part timer with one of the longest working hours ok. hence the increase in bucks! weeee. thanks anthony! speaking of which, i have work next saturday arghhh. this is the trouble when ure able to do all spins, espresso and cashiering. idioticroy depends on u as much as u depend on him.
:) but i'm having a ton of fun at work.

work aside, life has been great. im getting much closer to my 2 darlings, ashri and faizal who never fail to take such wonderful care of me when needed. and hey, they actually responded when i called out "where's my darling? and my other darling?" hahaha. cute rite. havent been to many gigs lately cos ive been working and spending time with a certain sweet person, who actually surprised me quite a number of times both at my workplace and at my home. thanks, you! im missing a whole bunch of people tho. mel, when are u going to meet me? and darling phoefi, pq, dee. arghh. DIDI!!!!! when are we going to have our shmucking session huh.

oh i just cant wait to get my pay end of this month.
its time for tonning, mos, dinnering, sheesha and SHOPPING!!!!!!!!
i desperately need more skirts and dresses. wearing jeans to work everyday is making me look like a boy with long hair. hahaha. ok, i kid.
oh i need a new pair of shoes too! and my From Ashes Rise cd pls, thank u.
ashri's bdae is coming up. dee's belated bdae present!!! sigh. so many things to get. so little time.

i'll see u guys soon.
au revoir!

can u keep a secret?

2006-05-01T11:52:00.000+08:00

surprise surprise!
its back again.
insecurity. if you think you know what i'm talking about, good for you. hello sir. why are you haunting me, regardless whether or not i'm awake or asleep. why can't you leave me alone. there's just so much i can take (if i may say, again.). Like a lover lost in the sea you call out for me and here I am, hiding.
there are times i don't think i can escape.
there are times you blind me from the rest of the world.
you pull the strings and i dance for you. theatre of pain.

but shh. don't tell anyone ok?

waiting for the final call

2006-04-25T11:14:00.000+08:00

hello everyone!
aha! i am back. ok not totally. i have a paper tomorrow and it's 11.12 am. I can still slack for abt half an hr before nonstop mugging begins. why? cos last minute all over again. nvm. let's forget about exams for a while. my apologies, for not updating as regularly as i should or something. I've been quite busy with stuff: the boyfriend, the darlings.yea. well.

anyway, first update: the birthday surprise!
oh it was wonderful! days before i met up with my 2 fave people, Ash the Elf and Faizal Penguin to get half his bdae present and to discuss with them possible plan actions I could take. Then, it was sneaking off early from Aisha's birthday party (and ditching the friday crew hang out) to meet up with some dude to collect the actual birthday present. Ensuite, it was staying up the whole fucking night to plan what to do, calling up sources like Nuri and Stanley to get them to help, wrapping up the birthday present (trust me this was NOT easy) and acting coy and innocent, lying to the boyfriend that he was supposed to meet Nuri the next day for a surprise she cooked up for him cuz I'll only be free on friday. the whole plan was executed pretty well, from the kind taxi driver, to the yummy cake and sandwiches, to my michealjackson impersonation (so the boy won't know it was me) to blindfolding him to the zoo. it was too bad along the way he sorta recognized my smell. but hey, his reaction was worth it. we had a splendid time at the zoo and i knew i gave him one of the best birthdays of his life. =) oh then at night we met up with dee and her evoldnuofwen alipo to chill before heading home. hohoho!

next update: random
first of all before i continue let me just say that i'm awfully broke. so if anyone is kind enough to donate money to me pls contact me asap yes? huhuhu.
randomization. things off my mind. let's see what can i remember. Friday crew is love. my fave guys and my fave girls. i am missing my bestfriend a lot. Die Young gig was awesome mostly cos it was the first time i got to bodysurf. twice! weee. crowd was great, music was insane. it was all good. oh except for a tiny tiff but twas solved. Met up with the boy a whole lot, something I'm not complaining about. Other couples get their honeymoon period the first few months of the relationship, i get it now. :) and it gets better everytime. oh! i managed to hang out with hannah darling, shaikitty and the guy from Refused, who was really nice. i need a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hrms. lets see what else? I'm in love with From Ashes Rise and once i get the money i'm heading down to Ignite for the split with Victims.
Conference of the Birds was cool albeit the fact i came like hrs later. managed to listen to only 3 sentences before they wrapped up the punk forum. damn. wld have been fun to participate. ended up reading zines, writing on the walls and fooling around. =)
I need I want I am looking for more cds. more music. wooo!
oh and a job.
Has anyone watched Radiohead's Just music video yet? If you have, pls give me an opinion of what you think the guy said that made everyone else lie down.
I opine he was talking abt life being a dream and shit.
Ashri said probably his breath was just really bad.
hohoho.
til next time!

pictures up soon yea?

of Mills and Liberty.

2006-04-07T09:48:00.001+08:00

the birthday surprise was magical. once i'm done uploading the photos i'll update on that.
for now, chew on this.

i got this from Mills.

Society is itself the tyrant
Society can and does execute its own mandates: and if it issues wrong mandates instead of right, or any mandates at all in things with which it ought not to meddle, it practices a social tyranny more formidable than any kinds of political oppression, since, though not usually upheld by such extreme penalties, it leaves fewer means of escape, penetrating much more deeply into the details of life, and enslaving the soul itself. Protection, therefore, against the tendency of the magistrate is not enough; there needs protection also against the tendency of society to impose, by other means than civil penalties, its own ideas and practices as rules of conduct, on those who dissent from them, to fetter the development and, if possible, prevent the formation of any individuality not in harmony with its ways, and compel all characters to fashion themselves upon the model of its own.

think about it.

The Silmarillion

2006-04-03T13:13:00.000+08:00

yea thats what i'm currently reading. =)
the language is awesome but i've never expected less from Tolkien himself. they should movie-size this novel. might get bigger than lotr. kitty was telling me how he wanted to be Shairuman and me, Marwen. hahaha. i hear "dream on suckers" coming from everyone else.

From splendour he fell through arrogance to contempt for all things save himself, a spirit wasteful and pitiless. Understanding he turned to subtlety in perverting to his own will all that he would use, until he became a liar without shame. He began with the desire of Light, but when he could not possess it for himself alone, he descended through fire and wrath into a great burning, down into Darkness.

sigh. what would i give to write like him.
je voudrais ecrit comme JRR Tolkien.
hehe. so the boy's birthday is this week and I've got his presents all set. now its time to just wrap em and erm get everything else ready. surprise surprise awaits! Sometimes i get overwhelmed by how wonderful he really is. just last saturday we chilled at coffee bean me with Tolkien in my hand and him with Marvel. Exchanging quick glances, laughing off each other's stories, him breathing the scent of Dunhill, Sensi and Bodyshop strawberry body butter and me Crave and his sweatshirt. When we hug its like Salvadore finishing his portrait. Bach filling in the last note to his piece. its like the crescendo of a song, the climax of a novel. we fit so perfectly. theres no wishing hes taller or wishing im smaller. we're just meant to be the way we are.

i keep getting Bs for everything else. only As for french.
bad bad bad.

msn madness

2006-03-30T13:34:00.000+08:00

my friends are adorable.

shai kitty says:

mar

shai kitty says:

u made my day

shai kitty says:

i lurb you

marrrbunny says:

awww i wuv u too

thats the ever fierce shaiful =)

whaleyyyy says:

niceee

The Evil Wabbit. says:

AHHHHHH i am so loved i shd die now

The Evil Wabbit. says:

like die in my prime

The Evil Wabbit. says:

hahaha

whaleyyyy writes:

can u imagine he drew that? sigh.
i gtg for school. there are like tons of amusing convos i saved. will copy them later.

ash tazzy! says:

eh but wow..~

i am mar. says:

ah cool

ash tazzy! says:

i certainly write well

ash tazzy! says:

wow~

ash tazzy! says:

again i say.. FUCK WOW

i am mar. says:

HAHAHAA im glad u think that u write well

ash tazzy! says:

i would slap u silly

ash tazzy! says:

ah? nah nah i don't write well

i am mar. says:

ash tazzy! says:

i certainly write well

ash tazzy! says:

no no al

ash tazzy! says:

alamak they should put the u away from the i lah

ash tazzy! says:

i mean O wirte well

ash tazzy! says:

.. i mean i write well

ash tazzy! says:

FUCK I MEANT YOU WRITE WELL

i am mar. says:

HAHAHAHAHA

hehe =)

=)

2006-03-28T11:40:00.000+08:00

i have wireless broadband!
in all the coffee bean places and what nots! yayyyy.

the boy's birthday in a week and im wondering what to do.
suggestions? email me.

Do it with Friends!

2006-03-22T11:41:00.000+08:00

the gig was awesome as expected!!!! well kitty always organizes awesome gigs. and i always have fun in his gigs.

Mish: jubah(arabian clothing) + army helmet + army pants cut short with patches + army shirt with the sleeves cut off + big red shades
Shaiful: Nody's Policeman cap + blue vest + stripping to undies (eww)
Kaikai: cross dress + gross stain on hotshorts
Secret Seven dude: Motor helmet + huge glasses + shawl
Punks: crazy mohawks + red/green/black/blue laces + studded/spiked jackets
Babyboy: spikey (no real spikes) hair + nicenice shirt + army pants filled with patches
Hardcore dudes: bandana + some army shit

hahahahhaaha. so thats the list of what the people there were wearing that day. not forgetting the dreadlocks, the sweaty shirts, the mask thing, ah a whole load. I was laughing from the time i reached (4pm) til the time i left (10pm) and by then, my jaw was hurting. Bands that played kicked ass ofcourse. Recover was awesome tho baby told me they got bad reviews in Maximum Rock and Roll for some reason. Circle of Friends as usual was my favourite!!!!! Technology + Friendship song! "Fuck you all! I love you all!" go shaikitty go! and kudos to those who helped lift him up when he was in his undies. I wouldnt siak! hahahahaa. even Baby got out of his way. Blinded Humanity was hilarious cos Hasib kept doing this satanic laugh "WAHAHAHA" and sounded likewhoafierce but if u speak to him offstage his voice sounds like a smurf! Secret Seven was amazing!!!! Faizal penguin i want their cd!!!!!!!! oh but the cutest has got to be Flesh Disgorged! hahaha. they sounded like some march of the pigs or something. grunting away. i was headbanging with faizal and hannah and ashri and i kept laughing and laughing. oh and finally Rambo!!!!!! wall of death! moshtrocity!!!!!!!!!!. twas GREAT!!!!!!!!!! i had GREAT fun moshing and going mad. they even did the circle pit round the whole freakin balcony. and the singer has a supercute tattoo of this dinosaur on his back! but by then poor baby got tummy ache from the rojak or something, cos i think the guy cursed him wahahha. but hes fine now. =) so yea! overall the gig was AWESOME! i cant wait for the one on 11th April!!! Die Young! Stronza! i get to watch dear hannah play on stage! yay. oh too bad i didnt take photos. its hard to hold on to ure cam when ure being squashed or just jumping and playing arnd in the pit.

i love baby. the gig wld never have been half as fun if he weren't around.
to all those who missed the gig, well, too bad then. i noe gsc and the suns were great but nothing beats moshing ure cals away and laughing ure ass of at insane hxc dudes! hahaha.
ok i have no photos but erm got some from Stacey who claimed that well i had nicesmelling hair.

hahahah i just realized something. im very annoying.
but hey, i still feel loved.

you and me

2006-03-18T12:33:00.000+08:00

i got through life knowing u needed me.
u needed me to survive, to breathe, to feel complete.
yea so i'm the one who'd rather feel needed than loved. most importantly, i wanna feel needed by the one and only you.

guessing games. russian roulette.
u guess and i get shot.
leave the table and we can never end the game.

so u and i, we're stuck.
like the missing jigsaw pieces, we float away to make our own portrait.
its just that one hug we need.
just one.

son of a teet

2006-03-14T12:06:00.000+08:00

my computer has this idea that he's smart. maybe even too smart for me.
so it decides to take after Paulo Coelho.
yes, my computer decides to die. on me!

so byebye Desperate Housewives, byebye yummy songs and pretty pictures, byebye school lecture notes.
hello boring laptop.

grawr.

i wonder how everyone's doing.

zerox #10

2006-03-13T11:29:00.000+08:00

kitty handed over his last issue of his zine yesterday. and today he's over at Bangkok for some Prima-idunnowhat gig and then to KL to pick up R.A.M.B.O for the gig this upcoming sunday.
His zine is awesome!!!!!!!! i should read more crap like this. Maybe i should quote some stuffs from him later on.
the boy is mad at me again. i have no idea.
i havent been updating much cos i'm just too lazy. What's there to update about anyway?
On my way home from the gig yesterday a dude got knocked down and landed 2 m away from me. Unfortunately I had nightmares but a sweet(a little) sms calmed me down the next morning.
Oh and while I was walking home, this boy stopped me and asked "hey are you just getting home from a gig?" so i said yea, why? and he goes "which gig huh? at hougang?" so i told him about Kawaii Invasion in IJ with My Precious. And before i knew it he ran a few steps ahead, called his friends and told them "Fuck the gig at IJ was awesome" HAHA.
sigh i have no idea what people are up to these days.
i need to start remembering Birthdays.
Dee's just passed and I havent finished designing her shirt cos the boy kept saying I cld do better. sighs!
And then there's PQ, oh when oh when is hers i cannot remember.
April 5th is coming. Guess who's?
Lots of things to plan. and I'm actually quite excited cos well i love cooking up surprises for the ones i loveeeeee. =)

"Straightedge is an idea. It's not a set of rules. Its not going to add 5 years to your life. ........ The decline of straightedge was probabky largely due to an increasing number of confused straightedgers who didn't know what to follow. To those people I say, don't follow! Use your fucking head. Straightedge existed to rebel at the self destructive rationale of the early punk movement. It was pulling away from negativity and encouraged positive elements. That is straightedge.

If you, like me, find sex beautiful, then go fuck someone! If you think meat stinks and feel that vegetaranism should be part of straightedge, more power to you!"

-Kitty-

ok that was a quote about straightedge on his zine.
=)
have a nice day readers.

kill the boredom. WAHAA.

2006-03-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

I am utterly bored out of my wits. braindrained for sure, after the Sociology and French essay tests I had earlier.

plus,

i miss my bestfriend.

a whole lot. hafi darling i miss uuuuu.
and to kill the boredom, look wat i've got! a survey. been eons since i last did one of these.

seven things that scare me

Fate

Balloons

Wormies, Bugs, Flying cockroaches and such

that Bird of Prey song

Loss (of people, identity get the drift)

Oppression

certain memories

seven things that i like

my favourite punk

my babies, u know who u are

my darling bunny

books

music

smelling good

cruelty-free products

7 most important things in my room

computer

laptop

books books books

pillow

my armchair (fucking comfy)

wardrobe

my bunny, when he's with me in the room

7 random facts about me

i miss flying the plane

i like vanilla and caramel and chocolate and strawberry. wait. i have a sweet tooth.

i like Victoria Beckham

i have my own set of principles, and stick by them, most of the time

i RARELY walk when i'm smoking

i am never ever early and most of the time very very late

i like dresses

7 things i plan to do before i die

get married and have sex

bunjee jump

defeat mao in a wrestling match (without having to pretend to cry)

get my volkswagen

be a psychologist

co-own a montessori

be a better person

7 things that i can do

pacify almost anyone

make the ones i love extremely happy

dance

make the voice of an oldddd man

speak a bit of french

sing japanese songs

do the split

7 thing i can't do

mathematics

go a week without a kiss from the punk

not watch desperate housewives or f.r.i.e.n.d.s

keep my room tidy

put on thick makeup

standing broad jump

hold a grudge

meno, socrates and the nature of virtue.

2006-02-27T14:16:00.000+08:00

the title of this entry has nothing to do with its content. this blog is no longer private that i know. but i'm too lazy to move so to you uninvited visitors, hello and welcome to my mundane life. once in a while i'd love rambling about the things i do, the things i wish for, what i like. rarely do i let out my feelings. this isnt specific to blogging only. i guess i'm like that. everyone sees the smiling me, the laughing and funny me, the adorable and lovable sweetheart that i am. some of u may think i hide my feelings, some of u may think i'm just insane. well it's a bit of both actually. it's not intentional. my feelings come and go, and i believe in keeping control of them. i hate whining to the ones i love about how i'm feeling to get a little comfort in return. that's just troublesome.

layers about me.
peel me off one by one and you might reach the core.
i do it, literally.

tu dis moi, autrefois, avec toi, j'ai envie de content. Je essaie et essaie, mais tu ne pas content, toujours. tu me manques, vraiment. specialement le bon vieux temps. Maintenant, je trouve on ne peut pas heureux. aider-moi, sil te plait.

well that was filled with errors but what the hell. if you understand what i said feel free to come chat me up, if you don't forget about it.

je suis tres fatiguee.

very very very petty.

2006-02-19T10:54:00.000+08:00

//edit.

ah crap everyone keeps thinking i'm writing about them. hehehe. for the record, I don't bitch about the people I love in my blog, so if I love you, then you're safe for the only thing I'll be writing about you will be how much you people mean to me.

of course that applies to the ones I really love.

anyway, since today's the 19th let's wish Happy Birthday to Whaley!!! =)
I hope he's having the time of his life in JB with erm iforgotwho but yea! have fun!

moving on, as i've said before, I hope they managed to scrape up enough money for little Sunny to begin his operation. And yes, thanks to ShaiKitty for organizing that benefit gig and once again I'm terribly sorry for telling everyone abt mewhawk and for stepping on u.

oh and i have never written a post on gigs before either have i? but oh here's to u motherfcukers who have nothing else to do but namedrop band names and oh the amount of times u moshed, or oh, the amount of eyeliner u wear. hehehe.
Sunny's gig was fun but the only thing missing was my boyfriend. the little puppy had stuff to do so he didn't come along but I think we'd have MUCH more fun if he did cos frankly I don't have the guts to play arnd if he isn't there since he knows prettymuch everyone. but yes, i loved Yogyakarta so so much! The wall of death, circle pits and crazy pile ups! yum. and i made friends with xHannahx who's gonna bring me moshing the next time round. yayyyy.

-x- i am extremely aware of how annoying i sounded in that previous paragraph. -x-

ANYWAY, saturday was yummy. i was dressed up, he was handsome as ever and we strolled around with air in our heels. oh and his arms are delicious, yesh they are. did I mention he carries me with ease? now that's strong. and i've got him addicted to Desperate Housewives too! yayyyyy.
study week next week. study dates anyone?

oh shoutout to deebabygirl: u know i lovelovelovelovelove you. =) u have no idea how much. there are times when i feel like breaking down and i say one word to u and u just know how to make me smile just like that. (esp with your "gua" "lu" thingy u do.) monday morning i'll come over k? hehehe.

spite me

2006-02-13T22:31:00.000+08:00

ure doing this to spite me.
yes u are.

JUST GO AWAY NOW.

stuck

2006-02-12T11:05:00.000+08:00

2 of my favourite people!

i'm all hers, i am. one of my favourite girls after the bff.

so's this one! but dee, pls stop sitting on my bf's lap. ahahhaa.

GRAWR

2006-02-08T21:20:00.000+08:00

i feel super bitchy today.
but very loved as well, by the one person who means the most to me, Nur Hafizah Bte Ariffin. You know sometimes u dream of that special friendship with someone, u watch sitcoms and soap operas and such and you just wish u had that same relationship, to be able to be with that person everyday and just love her and be loved in return.

now i've realized i dont need that.

i've known phoefi since i was 15, (she knew me much earlier but hated me back then =P) and we spent 2 years seeing each other in school every single day, going home together and having lunch together. at that point of time, i thought that the bond we had was almost magical. she understood me in every way possible, she didn't judge me and she was utterly patient and forgiving.

Now I'm 19, and although i'm still in the same school as her, taking the same course albeit different modules, i see her less than once a week, rarely online and we don't even talk on the phone.

yet i feel the bond we have is even stronger.

I used to be afraid to let go, when she had her love, when we stopped smsing each other daily or when I just didnt see her enough. But now I've come to realize that no matter how far apart we are, how rarely we meet, Hafi will be the one and only person who will never desert me. She loves me and I love her and we both know that, and this is the one reason why this friendship is so beautiful. there is no need for me to say it to her, there is no need for saccharine smses or sweet words or 14pagelong testimonials on friendster.
because we both know that the love we have for each other is eternal.
noone can take her away from me, and me, from her.
she's the one person i can trust with the deepest secrets i have and the one person i wanna protect from everything thats fucked up in this world.

she knows this. i know this.
we're a part of each other. and although she has her life i have mine, although she has her own commitments and responsibility, her own bunch of friends, i know that all i have to do is whisper a word and she'll be here for me in a split second.

and she knows i'd do the same for her.

beautiful, ain't it?

darling & company.

2006-02-08T01:33:00.000+08:00

i should be studying french now.
oh well.

anyway i'm fucking black/tanned/browned/burnt now cos of sentosa on sunday. had a wonderful time there though. =) i can play daidee! wahahaha. and i beat ashri once. (evil laughter).
oh and i became their french tutor for the day. hilarious.

0702 was nice. met ashri for a short while for cigs den i met kitty!!!!! =) i miss that bald dude. I was bullied in the train but he made it up to me by giving me a short massage. we met mon cheri and had lunch together at city hall, talked, walked around and sent him off short after.

and i managed to surprise mon cheri by taking him to Alliance Francaise for a wonderful dinner at the cafe with creme brulee and roasted chicken sandwich and salmon chowder and after which to a french movie which was sad to say a little dull. but i was with him and it was all that matters.

sitting down in the middle of an overhead bridge, under the moonlight staring at the way he moves. lovely.

make some noise

2006-02-02T11:06:00.000+08:00

Look what my darling darling darling friend Sarah says about me.

"and today! someone shouted at us (marinah and me and friend kiki) during soci lecture cos we were making a great deal of noise. it all started with me telling marinah that she's a litter bug. cos she conveniently threw all her rubbish under her seat. and it ended up with her accusing me of accusing her. and we started kicking and trying to shift the rubbish around. and cheena boy turned to us, glared at us, and tried to sound very firm and annoyed, and said in his very bad cheena voice "CAN YOU ALL PLEASE SHUDDUP." oopsie tootsie. but we cant. and marinah just had to sneeeze consecutively with her one of a kinda sneezes that goes like.... EEEEEE CHIIIII. EEEEE CHHIIII. EEEE CHHIIII. like on repeat six times. man cheena boy was really going to blow up man. and here's the ultimate thing we did to cheena boy. haha we left the lecture early and made alot of noise packing our bags and pushing tables and all that. we are soo hated right."

hahhahahaa hilarious.
if she didnt make orgasmic brownies i wld have chewed her head off.
hehe. i love sarah and her brownies!

boredom strikes

2006-01-31T15:23:00.000+08:00

gong xi fa cai
(to those celebrating chinese new year)

and here i am stuck at home with tons of tutorials and lectures to catch up on.
lots of things in my mind, issues, problems, incidents, reminders, deja-vus, etc.
but we'll deal with that soon enough.

thought essay on animal cruelty/testing
thought essay on the desire for memories
(insert a bunch of school work/tutorials and reports here)
a whole load of my mind, all about you, you and you. (go figure)

ah the list was just for my own personal purpose.
and i need to go shopping too! =D
while i'm doing this, let me just publicize to the world how bored i was.

utter boredom induces fatal narcissism.

what happened?

2006-01-29T11:35:00.000+08:00

FUCK animal testing man.
FUCK animal cruelty.

whats wrong with u fucking assholes?
u strut arnd with your education certs on ure sleeves.
where the fuck did ure heart go?

how can u do this to fucking living things?
how the fuck can u call ureself a Doctor or a HUMAN when u cant even tell whats wrong or right.

FUCK U FUCKERS.

Introducing Pipi

2006-01-29T01:08:00.000+08:00

i love my bunny rabbit.
he keeps me sane.
Meet the love of my life everyone: Pipi!
Who's afraid of everyone but me.

*hushhush*
he's scared of loud noises too! oh but i think he has taken a liking for Lamb of God.

for a video of him, click here.

A Punk Fiasco

2006-01-22T01:51:00.000+08:00

Ok I tried doing this on blogger but it just refused to load. So much for Firefox. xP anyhows, I was just doing some thinking, knowing me, always thinking too much, and was reading Bad Religion's essay on the so called Punk Fiasco. So everyone knows I'm seeing a punk, and lately I've been hanging out with hardcore punk dudes and some people are questioning me like "Don't you think punks are scary?" or some sort u know? And when they find me going to gigs and see some of my bruises cuz sometimes we just get pulled into the moshpit, they ask why I'm chilling with so called "barbarians". AND some idiots even asked "Are u a punk rock girl, mar?"

Laugh.
Laugh now.

Ok let me get this straight to all those who get freaked out by my blue hair, by the badges given to me by maomao, by my tall intimidating darling with (now) purple hair and his adorable sense of dressing.

I, am not a punk. I cannot define the whole true meaning of 'punk' as it is, because it's a whole subculture and to define it, I'd have to do an extensive study of which I haven't. and I'm not one of those who stray around the edges of something and just claim I know every bit of it. So whatever I say here, comes from the limited knowledge I have on this interesting subculture that I read up on, and ofcourse, from my own opinion. So if anyone reading this gets unhappy with whatever that's been said, feel free to email me here .

So I believe that all of us are smart people, yes?
So I presume all of us know what social norms are, yes?

Well I learnt, that social norms do have their own power exerted onto society, but this, we cannot feel unless we rebel. Social norms form the basis of a society, forming regular patterns in our lives. Most of us carry on with life as it is, with a desire in us to be socially accepted. At times we get blinded by this desire and conform to every will and fancy of society and become almost robotish. OK putting that in nicer words, we've somehow learnt to stop asking questions and go through life, acting out our specific parts that society has incurred upon us. Now, an ideology in this 'punk' subculture is to do the opposite. No, I'm not saying they go all out against society to destroy the whole system government, the idea that they have is to question more on the reasons to why society wants us to be and act in a certain way, and in this way, they create a certain kind of individuality.

Does that sound familiar to u and me?
If it does, u can call yourself a punk too, because punk doesn't only consist of those with studded leather jackets and crazy hairdos. The whole punk ideology comes from within, meaning, even I could be a punk, if I think and act as an individual and not conform to what everyone else wants me to be.

What punks desire on the other hand, is to beseech the world to question social norms, to provide reasons as to why the rest of us are relenting to the wants of people who don't even matter. And since blogging in Singapore has been put on a leash, I can't really mention specific examples that include our Big Brother, if you know what I mean. (if you don't kindly email me or add me up on MSN and we shall talk.) Ok anyhows, we all know that sg has got one media, so now how, how would anyone even try to go against this monopoly? Hence, there is a sort of alternative communication network (and in the words of Anti-flag: underground network) that has been created to spread the word on political issues, on social repression, on individuality and this, is done mostly through songs (e.g. Anti-Flag, Bad Religion, Propaghandi, Thought Riot) and also through underground newsletters or what they call zines and also ofcourse through the internet as well.

Now you ask, what's with the outrageous wear???? =) well I have a few opinions on this. Bringing this all down to a more personal level, all of us know now that I have a punk boyfriend, and many of you who have seen him lately might think "what's so punk about him?" cos Mao seldom adorn his leather jacket and such and here's one of my opinion. Being a punk doesn't mean you're forced to wear such things. The leather jackets and funny patches on pants DO have meaning to it but that I shall try to explain later. Here what I'm trying to say is that, a girl who's being forced to go to church by her parents every Sunday and does so with Lime Green Mohawk and a "There is NO GOD" shirt (no racism intended here. This is for the sake of an example) is as punk as a professor who has conflicting views with the rest of his colleagues and sticks by his own opinion. As I've said before, being punk isn't being barbaric or rebellious, it just means having your own opinion, breaking away from social oppression. So yes, once again, I repeat: both you and I are punks in our own way, if we stick by our beliefs and our principles.

[I would like to thank Greg from Bad Religion at this point for his splendid ideas.]

Anyway, back to the subject of clothes and spikes. Many times I've asked the people I meet, ok the punks I meet, about their hair. Their clothes, everything. And generally even I have mixed views on this but let's just try to be objective here. Alright, several answers that's been given and some I absolutely hate because they're just being plain stupid like, oh "cos it's cool." (laugh now.) but really what I learned is that the purpose of all their outrageous clothing is such that. To outrage people. Ok that was being a teeny bit harsh but it's part of a process called "Shock Culture". Recall what I said earlier about beseeching the society about their norms and such, and through their own sense of fashion, they wake the society up, and show them that being normal isn't always being smart. And why patches, and such? Well this whole punk subculture is to suit everyone, from the oldest richest man to a young kid from a broken home. so yes this whole diy concept is so that anyone and everyone can afford it. If you think it's stupid, try being the only kid in class without a father, with hardly any money for yourself, trying to compete with jocks wearing Ralph Lauren shirts and Armani jeans, and further more, getting ostracized cos you can't afford to go to that party or catch the latest talkies on show. Further more, having things made by your own hands gives enables you to create something of which is truly yours, hence again, directing again the whole idea of individuality.

I, for one, am very much against violence. I hate fights, let alone wars. And if I haven't mentioned before, punks aren't violent people. We learn from cartoons and from media and books that there are so many different kinds of "fights". Ok so let's take this into consideration: If I decide to murder someone, out of sheer anger for stealing my shoe, for example, what would that make me? A murderer.
But if I decide to join the army, fly over to Iraq and kill innocent civilians I've been ordered to kill, just so some supreme authoritative body can take over a country for their own personal gain, what am I? A hero.
The lines that exist between social norms, aren't clear cut. And here, let me try to explain the common misconceptions people get about punks being so called "violent" and "barbaric". If a bunch of punks start beating up an innocent bystander, for being too "normal" then yes, I would think that's definitely wrong and foolish. But think about this, when you're the only one in school, without that crisp new pair of pants and that splendid ironed shirt, and you get beaten up for being "out of klass" then here's where I figure a fight, if any other methods proves to be a failure, is necessary. This is the kind of fight to show these so called superiors that knowledge isn't the display of expensive clothes, or limited edition shoes, to show that everyone deserves a place in this world. But ofcourse, I'm not encouraging anyone to fight "for their right" here, you've really got to think it through. Fights aren't always worth it. (especially for me, I hate violence.)

And then there's the idea of "anarchy". Now, this, I'm not too sure about because I haven't done a whole reading-up on. But anarchy consist of a society without government, run by the own free will of the people. Or what some may call "freedom". But what most people tend to forget is that, this freedom that they seek comes with discipline. Moral ethics are still important in the idea of anarchy. Anarchy does not give you the right to kill someone and walk away scott free. What "anarchy" actually focuses upon is putting the need of the people before anything else, hence the absence of the government.

Adorning thousands of badges, and those "punk-wear" or so you call it, doesn't make you a punk. Unless you wear these with the proper purpose and understanding of the whole sub-culture, you're just a fashion-victim, mindless in every way. The same idea goes to those who think drinking and smoking will earn you higher social points cos it's oh so cool, well you're wrong. (wth, I'm a smoker. O_o hehe) Just as those who think the more girls you score with shows just how popular you are, well you're wrong. And those of you who do wear your studded jackets and look down on those who don't, but still claim yourself to be a punk, please refresh your whole knowledge on this subculture. Being a punk includes the idea of being open-minded, towards the differences in people. Being open minded does not mean you have to agree to opposing ideas, it just means accepting and acknowledging the different types of mindsets that exist around you, learning from reputable and righteous ones as well as questioning them for your own benefit.

I've tried my very best to summarize and put together the whole idea of punk to make it easy for the majority to understand, and I hope you people do. I think all of us could do with a little less discriminating. I believe that we should all read up on what we do not know about rather than create misconceptions that lead to judgmental views on people. We have enough wars in the world already. We do not need one amongst ourselves. We're all people. We exist together, so why can't we do it peacefully?

=)

haha

2006-01-19T21:34:00.000+08:00

fuck.
I LOST MY HANDPHONE.
my new samsung phone.
sob.

/edit.

someone found my phone and returned it to the lecturer in NYP!!!!!!!

=))))))) i'm gonna collect it from her later.

I LOVE NYP!!!!!!!!!

this isn't meant for you

2006-01-18T21:39:00.000+08:00

dear nobody,
maybe one day i'll get over myself. maybe one day, i'll be able to look at certain people and smile, without having that stabbing pain there. You tell yourself that you're ok, you've stopped listening to loveballads and sappygayguys yelping their heartfelt sorrows and you blast growling vocals and politically correct songs in your ear and you pretend to care about what they say. if you think i'm talking about a certain someone, you might be wrong.

there are certain things you experience in life that affects you to the very depth of your soul, but u just brush it away and pretend it's superfluous. you get on with life, a little hesitant, a little doubtful but you tell yourself you're strong. you refuse to bother those around u, more so the people you love the most and bury this thought far back in your head. but that's not how it works, does it? I've had closure with my past but no matter how hard you try, there are some thoughts that just crawl into your mind and cover it in darkness. These aren't the thoughts that make you cry because you're sad. These aren't the thoughts that make u reminisce. no. These are thoughts that make you question, yourself, most of all. The ones that make you look at yourself differently in the mirror, the ones that turn into someone else.

So you say I'm being ridiculous, overly-sensitive, dinky and naive. So you tell me get over it and move on. I can and I will but I guess sometimes, when thoughts do crawl back into my head, turn my world upside down, make me smile that saccharine sweet smile and speak in that flawless tone of voice, almost mannequin-like and oh yes, fake, please don't tell me i'm all of the above. I'm just being me. We're all picking pieces of ourselves, piece by piece. We have no idea what or who we are and we're never truly whole. And through this process of gathering yourself, we're never always graceful. so forgive me if sometimes i cry, and forgive me if i can't always be the person u want me to be.

bringing it all back down to a more personal level, there are times i wish i was stronger. but i'm not. no, i'm not those to dwell on things for more than they need dwelling but i still do. i think. i feel. i feel more than others, sometimes. and i feel more for others at times. yes, i have a heart like Lovealot Bear but sometimes this heart needs mending of its own.

sigh.

i fell in love again and i'm still floating in this endless dream, I squander up your happiness and steal your smiles. yes, i am happy for now. if only you were here with me, at the same place i am now.

never said i did

2006-01-18T10:45:00.000+08:00

someone told me he prefers listeners. and to a certain extent i think he's right. Its 10.45 and I'm supposed to be meeting Kiki at 11. so let's rush through this. You meet those who are tres interessant, no doubt, those would always have something to talk about. But you tend to get weary listening when the other party rarely listens to you.

maybe, this is why the people you love end up abandoning you.

and, according to this person, this is why I have too many friends. i listen too much, talk with ease and wear my heart on my sleeve.

don't worry, it's not black though.

hi!

2006-01-12T12:25:00.000+08:00

i want to watch Harakiri perform.

of a bottle

2006-01-07T15:19:00.001+08:00

Quick update! yesterday night was fun. tea.fags.currypuffs and grrrrreat company.
thank u guys!
oh and i made another pretend friend and made him my model of the day. But he broke into pieces at the end of the day. =(

so u wanna check out the adventures of my beauuuutiful glass bottle?
CLICK hereee for more picssssss!!!!!!!

NUS SUCK

2006-01-06T00:05:00.000+08:00

Dear SITI MARINAH BTE MD ALI,
Please find your bidding result for Acad Yr 2005/2006,
Semester 2 as follows:
------------------------------------------
Allocated Modules
------------------------------------------
Module Code : GEK1519
Module Title: SCIENCE OF MUSIC

Module Code : GE2219
Module Title: CLIMATE, WATER AND ENVIRONMENT

Module Code : LAF1201
Module Title: FRENCH 1

Module Code : PH1101E
Module Title: REASON AND PERSUASION

Module Code : SC1101E
Module Title: MAKING SENSE OF SOCIETY

YEA BABY!!!!!!!!!!!
i got French!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but im still doing like loads of exposure modules. couldn't take psyche cos stupid me didnt declare my major this sem. its ok!

I'm taking Frenchhhhhhhhhhhh! weee.

and oh, 3 day week people. Let's cheeeeer!!!!!!!!!!

because i will

2006-01-04T18:36:00.000+08:00

and because i owe myself one.
i'm still working on my reflective entry. for now let this be one that opens the world to my heart a little.
this goes out to noone and everyone. to you and your shadow. to the past and present. to the future. to those crying themselves to sleep. to those getting high through dusk. to those struggling to catch their breath, and to those choking on air.

sometimes i wonder when does a child get robbed of his innocence? i have a profound love for les enfants because i envy their purity. so when does this cease to exist? there was once a little girl i knew, who lied, robbed and created self centered fantasies to get her parents to look at her, to tell her how precious and special she was, to ruffle her hair and to give her encouraging smiles. there was once a girl i knew who seeked comfort in one non existent to the world. there was once a girl i knew whose heart never wanted more than just acceptance. i'm currently in search of that one little girl, whom by now has probably grown up, to become, well just like you and me. i want to look for her to ask her if she's still scared, and ashamed of herself. i want to hold her and tell her she's one of a kind. i want to be able to let her know that i need her.

so, if u do see her around,
please be gentle. please be nice.
cos she's been hiding herself from the world for so long. lying to herself, lying to her friends, lying to everyone she knows.

=)

for you i bleed myself dry

2006-01-03T04:10:00.000+08:00

it's 0410hrs. u must be thinking i'm insane to be up this late. or early. whatever.
the boyfriend is asleep, i sang him to sleep as always.
i'm currently online with dee on my msn window crapping out the lamest details with her.
she's a doll.

and so i think that i'm losing my ability to write.
and so i shall.

soon.

i promise.
something good.

pent up frustrations

2006-01-01T19:34:00.000+08:00

do you have those days when you just wish you were done with school, done with being dependant on fucked up adults who don't take you seriously, done with everything.

i need to get out of this hellhole.
get out of this place everyone labels home.
i need to get away from the elder sibling who has it all.
i need to get away from fucking adults who do nothing but yell all day.

fuck off.

purge

2005-12-29T11:52:00.000+08:00

hello people.
i was contemplating on writing a thoughtful entry but the sickness got in the way.
and i couldnt stay home cos the construction and the parental units were driving me mad so i met the boy and he was every so sweet, surprising me with a cute DIY box filled with my favourite things!

and my reaction was:

"so nice."

tet. to me.
well i wanted to jump up and hug him but any other reactions that that and i'd have puked right on his shirt. sigh. oh and he gave me flowers too! =)
well the whole day was (disgustingly) filled with vomit and erm me being sick. wahahaha. sorry babyboy.

anyway new link to erm Botanical Garden photos here.

hello. lets get this done!

2005-12-26T17:05:00.000+08:00

my boyfriend takes photos of me!
i think its fun fun fun.

default model.
=)
will post more soon! gotta run!

love u mao.

unrevelling.

2005-12-23T01:07:00.000+08:00

ok. let's just temporarily ignore the fuckin sloppily done layout.
at least my photoblog's ready!!!!!!! now u shits can enjoy photos photos and more photos! without having to log into anything.
wakakaka.
ok
Here are the links to recent photos taken ya? (just click on em)

okie! will update again soon.
busy bee!

so how? happy endings?

2005-12-18T12:50:00.000+08:00

i'm currently in JayBee now, at my Aunt's house hogging the laptop like nobody's business. and the whole friggin house is asleep! it's freakin 13 00hrs and they're all snoring away. Must be the freakishly yummy food yesterday. The only other person awake is my little cousin who happily tied my hair up for me, pulled out my fringe and went "marinah pretty!" why why, thank u babyboy. i havent had my bath btw.

And so once again my holidays have been wasted. I have NOT accomplish anything that I hoped to, not even a little bit. And I get kinda pissed with myself but somehow the feeling doesn't last and i go "whatever". truly lazy. i need someone to smack me upside down and shake the loose screws off my head. let me go totally mad with determination. arghhh. it's never gonna happen. my room's still coated in my "primary 5 artpiece", my driving license is STAGNANT. i have NOT lost weight.
iwanttodie.

oh but let's move on shall we? I had a nice week so far. Lets see where can I start? ok so i followed Mao to substation where, albeit my efforts to stay out of the mad mosher's way, some dude's leg landed on my head. wakaka. but i guess it was alright. i was the quiet one while mao went arnd talking to his friends. oooh! met one cousin there. (hmm..) The next day was Mao's performance at Toa Payoh CC, which was kinda disappointing cos they only did like 2.5 songs. the equipment was getting on Anna's nerve i guess. And again, I was the photographer lady and the one who takes care of bags. not that i mind tho, mao has his friends to catch up on so i just wondered abt and got to play with a cute baby Ben!!! hahaha. he was wearing a little Misfits shirt which was oh sooooo adorable. and oh, met another cousin there. (hmmmm...)

Meeting mao and his friend nuri was ever pleasant, and once again i'm reminded of how wonderful mao is, with his spontaneity and his loving nature, he does everything i tells him to! well almost lah, cos i wanted to run through that Bugis water fountain thing and dragged him along. wahahaa. the boy spiked up his hair in the name of all things punk hehe. very adorable. went to visit nuri's friend's exhibition where i met my old pri sch friend, the prettiness that she is and had fun. the pieces were incredible! =) the day ended with us arguing abt food, sharing footlong veggie sandwiches and fagging the night away. oh and i got grumpy cos Comfort didn't wanna tend to my needs. let's all kill cab drivers!!!

ahhhhh my favourite part of the week has got to be the meet up with the bestfriend. we met up first at NYDC where i was late as usual and greeted her with a big warmmmm hug. lots of stories were shared abt her trip to dubai, minor setbacks in singapore and a some updates on the latest goss!! sitting with her, with icecream, cakes and a pack of ciggies could be my definition of paradise. camwhored a whole lot, and she gave me wonderful goodies from dubai!!haha. her anniversary with Ashley is coming up. wee. i'm sooo happy for them. anyhoos, mao dropped by later and i felt amazing walking around with 2 of my favourite people in the world.
bestfriend + boyfriend = lovelovelove
i have loaddds of pictures to be added soon and i know this long ass entry is filled with shit cos im just too lazy to update in detail, what more update regularly.
so yea, pics up soon.

i miss peiqin! the girl is off to korea and her hamster is in my room. i love jimi, pq!!!!
i shall be the best godmother to jimi!
nadia! we shall meet next week yea? and khai too! oh! khaliesah as well! and fary! and duff and dee.
fuck i have like tons of people to meet and so little time.
sighhhhhhhhhhhh.

oh lets all smile cos faisal is getting much better.
recovery's on the way!!

lovelovepeople!

a tribute

2005-12-14T09:29:00.000+08:00

to my darling darling darling friend Sarah Wong,
here's a happy birthday to you! *kishkishkish*
Sarah's one of my favourite people to talk to online, one of my favourite friends cos she's just so effing adorable. I love her cos she's the one who tells you to suck it in, wake up and face the world and at the same time tells you with such grace and love that you feel things are gonna be ok! =)

she sticks by you, cheers u up whenever you need a boost and makes you laugh with the stupidest things that she comes up with. i love sarah wong! haha. and i know she loves me too! and if ever ever ever anyone tries to hurt Sarah in any way, they might just get killed by me.
*nods*

And sarah's my wonderful Twisties-Ruffles-Chocolate-Tea-sitatthecornerandeat pal! hahaha. and we shall, oh we shall.

Sarah loves cheap deals. and cheapskate bread! hahaha. She walks an awful lot, loves whining abt not having enough money and loves whining abt the guilt she has when she eats burgers! hahaha.

i.love.sarah.
don't you?

=)

good to go

2005-12-09T13:37:00.000+08:00

make this quick shall we?

- clubbing with the girls was fun although things got chaotic in the end cos of some loser.
-nadia turns me on when she dances
-sparks flew when lin & i kissed (muacks)
-no pictures!! OK FEW but still in camera.
-took little jimi home in hope of turning her white again
-gonna meet khai for like an hr wahahaha.
-new layout soon soon soon
-room makeover
-watching Whale play at Tampines this saturday
-the boy, this sunday at Toa Payoh
-visiting faisal who's in ICU, lets pray for a speedy recovery.
-shopping still not done.
-my dates with my darlings have all gone haywire.
(you babies better make it up next week)
-i'm missing my best friend terribly.
-i want sushi.

please

2005-12-04T10:47:00.000+08:00

take me away.
fly through the clouds.

make me smile.

be nice. loving.

i'm sorry for annoying the crap out of u. i didn't mean to.

"she's got that look in her eyes, she dreams of absolution. she cries in the night"

starlight reverie

2005-11-30T23:28:00.000+08:00

acks! its been ages since ive updated! hehehe. oh well. i've been meaning to soo badly but yea kinda slipped my mind. and whatever i planned to say, i forgot! sigh. anyway everyone knows im done with my exams! let's worry about our cap score later alright? for now lets focus on parties dates and sleep. haha.
been spending more time with my bunny nowadays. hahaa. i smuggled him up into my room and he got comfy underneath my blanket. afterwhich he left his fur all over and had me sneezing through the night. haha. i love pipi. i think he keeps me sane.
i think i've been slacking too much this semester. and its my first semester dammit! argh. i better start getting serious. this sem was filled with too much parties, too much abuse and too much scars and stitches.

but all that aside, i'm happy now.
when i'm with him i'm happy. even if its only sitting by the sidelines eating sushi or watching him draw and complete his assignment. even if its just browsing through art books in the library, taking long walks to nowhere, i feel happy. he's extremely gentle with me despite towering over me all the time and he holds me as though i'm the world's most fragile piece of glass! =) i love sitting with him by esplanade watching cars drive by, i love watching movies at his house and i love just sitting quietly with him enjoying his company.
but its scary isn't it?
when we get too happy, we tend to forget and we let our guards down.
but let's not care about that shall we?
did i mention he gives me flowers? yes he does. and he doesnt mind my fagging or my simple sense of dressing or my fattish sluggish body or my big bunny teeth when i smile.

but when im alone things get dimmer. i keep comparing myself to the people in his past, i keep thinking im never enough to fulfil the void left. she's a wonderful person and no im not intimidated im just not sure if what i have can even make him as happy. i want to make him happy. send him to the clouds, let him walk on water.
but insecurity creeps in sometimes.
ok all the time.
wish for it to go away.
make it go away.
im really trying.

happy holidays to all NUS babies.
i love my sweethearts.. u know who u guys are. we'll go out soon k?

oh and some pictures have been uploaded at my LiveJournal. links under the 'exit' section.
i'll post some here soon.

Laugh out Loud

2005-11-23T22:02:00.000+08:00

and when i thought things were bleak and blue,
let me thank you.

you for surfing through mad websites with me and sharing my love for pretty girls. i think you made me laugh more than anything. =)

and you.

for calling me up just to tell me u printed a photo of me so u won't miss me.

awwww.

and so it is.

2005-11-23T19:19:00.000+08:00

so while i'm writing this, i'm wondering, as usual about things i shouldn't be thinking about. yes yes i know i have a paper tomorrow but i think i just need to let out some thoughts before i can settle down to get anything done. I have Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter playing, I have my theatre notes sprawled all over the cold hard floor. I have remnants of this morning's half eaten bread (yuck, u say!) on my table. I have my hair tied up and I'm clad in the most comfortable of pyjammas. come into my world.

i'm sitting down this morning, in the bathroom, with the shower pouring down on me. water dripping down my back, my hair stuck to my neck and back, and i smile. when i look at myself i wonder why i have scratches, i wonder why i have ugly marks on my skin. and then i look away, disgusted. i think of how i can never be satisfied with myself. i think of how i can never love me like how i used to. no i don't need u to tell me i'm beautiful. i need to tell myself that. "vandalism is at its most beautiful when its done on pure smooth skin", i think. And then I remember someone telling me how he couldn't take his eyes off of me. I laugh to myself, i always do that. do you? And then i think how beautiful and simple everything was.

Everyone's telling me how happy they are for me. Everyone's giving me happy hugs. Everyone's thinking everything's alright. I shrug and smile and laugh. I tell them stories they want to hear and i tell them about beautiful accidents and sweet surprises. I'm the sunshine that u seek. I'm the warmth u long for. sure. I'm ok with that. I'm ok with anything. But really, do you know how everything's tearing me up? I have no idea why I'm writing this entry. Maybe as a tribute, maybe its in his honor, maybe its to rid of the guilt i'm feeling. "What guilt?" you ask. and truthfully i have no answer. all i know is that no matter what's being done to me, I can never forget how beautiful you are. I might have taken that step forward but hey, everyone knows I'm the sort to reminisce right? You were the friend I never had, you were the silent one staying by me to keep me sane. And so it is, you were the only one I had. There are times I hate myself for letting everything happen. For letting u despise me. For letting ME loath YOU. There are so many things i want to say to you, but you would never let me explain, and furthermore, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of consequences to come. I'm afraid I'd fall and I'm afraid this spiral will never end. So i'll hush and keep it all inside. I'm sorry to be the one to take a step forward. I'm sorry to be the one to mark the fullstop. I'm sorry to be the one to let go. I'm sorry I gave up. But one thing I'll never feel sorry for is for being there for you while I could. To be your salvation, the one you ran to for love and hugs. the one you cried to on the phone. the one you needed. i'll never be sorry for making you smile. i'll never be sorry for making you feel loved. i'll never be sorry for book-ins, for impromptu picnics, for silly zoo trips, for the promises i kept. I've always wanted you but I know it's all just impossible. I want to be your angel, keep u safe and keep u out of harm's way if i could. For your sake, I wanted to be invisible, so i could watch u and not be seen. so i could say things but not be heard. cos i never wanted replies. i never wanted answers. i just wanted to give.
so i've told everyone about you. about who you were and what you did. no i don't regret that. but i do regret not telling them enough about the person that you are. the sweetness in you, the endless love you had for me that drove you literally crazy. how you couldn't take your eyes off of me. how you couldn't get enough of me. how you wanted me more than anything in the world. i know i've hurt u. and likewise, you've hurt me too. but all the same, we cant take our minds off each other.

but know i'm gone. i've lost my wings and i'm stuck to the ground but theres someone here to help me now. and all i pray for is that u get the same treatment. never will i let anyone have u unless they could love u as much as i did. or maybe more. what happened to Rene Aaliya?
is it all just a dream?

we have to wake up now.
we have to face the world.
here i am trying to run away,
from my own shadow.

tell me its possible.

u've been missed.

2005-11-21T11:54:00.000+08:00

the exams have got me missing some sweethearts.
hafie sweetie!!
pq baby!!
kingzieeeee!!
nadia!!
sarah wong!!!
shafa!!
sam!!
duffy!!
sigh.
will all the above people please get ready to have more than double the dosage of marinah once my exams are overrrrrr...
heehee.

ah speaking of exams, ive been brilliantly slacking away and hence, this morning's samurai's paper proved to be quite the piece of crap. plus on saturday i still had time to drop by some gig at youthpark mc-ed by the ever so cute lin.

and my pandabear, being the tallness of a guy he is got kicked by some dude who jumped in to bodysurf and he ended up with a black eye! lols. pictures up soon.

anyway i've added some comments to them japan pictures!

myspace is making me increasingly popular. (LAUGHS). ok lah so i'm ego tripping. but hey in the name of good fun, it was nice seeing azli jacaz and khai. hello fellow friends.

Mr youknowwho might be lessening his dosage of mindfucking. but that doesnt mean he's stopped. ah but i have my hero now. watch him as he goes. =)

bleeding through

2005-11-15T19:02:00.000+08:00

i'm having terrible terrible cramps and moodswings.
somehow hearing the bestfriend's voice on the phone cheered me up a bit. even if it was just for 2 minutes. i love her too much.

very.
very.
very.
bad.
mood.
swings.

im sad for no reason at all!
this is insane.
hahahahahaha.

somebody shoot me

i wish

2005-11-13T20:42:00.000+08:00

someone asked me if there were 3 things i'd wish for, what would it be?

i thought.
and thought.
and thought.

and i told her,
i wish i wasnt afraid, i wish i had a peace of mind, i wish i had control over time.

satay fusion

2005-11-12T20:21:00.000+08:00

today was filled with accidents.

beautiful accidents i might add.
i loved today.

so quick, take note the date!

i slept with Ben. Jerry got mad.

2005-11-11T23:43:00.000+08:00

met up with sarahaha yesterday. =)
had a lovely time cos she was all excited over the goodies i gave her. hahaa. straight up from japan! i love sarah.
she knows it im sure. hahahaa.
and im too lazy to blog.
just that. i love solitary walks back home. yea walked from jurong east all the way home. thats 2 train stations away.
but oh the love.

took these on the way home.

my room smells yummy now.
thanks to bodyshop's cute burner and the cranberry home aromatherapy!!!

and whats the deal with broken promises?
sigh.

pretty burner huh?
my rooms smells heavenly.

happy birthday daddy.

2005-11-07T23:28:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dearest daddy.
=)
the dad's birthday celebration had the kiddies WRECKING my room. ahahahhaha.

at least that put a smile on my face.

anyway, someone thought he blew it today.
let's just say it wasn't counted k? heh.
and someone gave me a song.

If I were to die this mornin

'Would you tell me things that you wouldn't have?

Would you be my navigator?

Would you take me to a place we could hide?

As I'm fallin' out

I wonder what I lost

Must be movin' on

Know I'll be waitin' here alone

I wanna ask you to forgive me

I haven't been the best with all that I had

Wish I'd only laid beside you

I think I spread myself a little too thin

You're the everything

That led me to believe,

"Hold on, hold on"

You're the wonder in everything

That's wonderful

thank you panda!

the only smile i had on

2005-11-04T11:21:00.000+08:00

yea yea yea.
selamat hari raya.
the only thing that made me smile yesterday.
i call her princess. i've been doing that for years and now i have no idea what's her real name.

my cousins are gorgeous btw. for those who don't already know, i'm half part north indian so yea, pretty cousins are the love. but
I, on the other hand looked like squidward next to them. heh.

tettt. this was probably the worst year ever.

WHY FIR?

2005-11-03T11:11:00.000+08:00

why issit alright for u to tear me into pieces????!!!
WHY WHY WHY?
WHY issit ok for u to just make me hate life? WHY issit ok for u to come and leave as and when u like it? WHY issit that u can make me cry with just the simple construction of words? WHY issit that on this day u manage to make the sunrays kill and the songbirds die?

maybe its because
i still love you.

what was i supposed to say?

2005-11-02T19:46:00.000+08:00

i was supposed to say something, but i forgot.
anyways, the links to my japan photos are permanently up under the "exits" sections. eat ure heart out guys.

i am very very very confused right now. and i cant concentrate on studies when projects after projects are being piled up on me. this fucking sucks.

and great, the 6th of November is coming and i'll probably cry my heart out from dawn til dusk.

and would he care? no.

will update again once i'm sane.

oh. selamat hari raya shits.

rising sun

2005-10-28T20:03:00.000+08:00

look at my friend's (Samir) guitar!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes.
he did it HIMSELF!!!!
NICE RITE?!!!!!
=)

grawrrrrrr.
*claps*

make me up dolly [sparklers & smiles]

2005-10-28T11:01:00.000+08:00

oh did i mention i love sparklers?
i do!
and yay to me finding the Coming Up album by Suede for like $10!!!!
=)

if i saw you tonight, would you hold my hand once more?
i'm sorry.
i'm very very sorry.

anyways, photos are as usual at my LJ.
you can either click on the photo below or visit it through the "exits" section.
=)

sarah is horny. really.

2005-10-27T23:29:00.000+08:00

say hello to my dear friend sarah.
she gets horny over test tubes, fat beakers and organic chemicals.
i love sarah. she loves pinching flab. my flab. she loves playing with my hair. she loves me.

sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
ohhh baby how are those lone pair of electrons
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
they are sizzling. and spinning
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
give me those ligands... ommmmmppph ahhh.. thats right

i'm too sexy for ure testubes, textbooks, ure chem chem chem chemicals says:
HAHAHAHA
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
this is fun
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
i like horny chem

i'm too sexy for ure testubes, textbooks, ure chem chem chem chemicals says:
im so horny but its ok, my will is good.
i'm too sexy for ure testubes, textbooks, ure chem chem chem chemicals says:
hahaha
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
such voluptuous thick beakers.
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
and boiling tubes
i'm too sexy for ure testubes, textbooks, ure chem chem chem chemicals says:
HHAHAHA
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
OOOOOHHHH
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
so thick!

i'm too sexy for ure testubes, textbooks, ure chem chem chem chemicals says:
STOP having orgasm for organic chem
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
hahaha
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
organic chem can be used for....
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
exotic sex
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
i dunno
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
cos they are all volatile and toxic
sarahaha. fuckitalright. says:
its good for people who like pain for pleasure
i'm too sexy for ure testubes, textbooks, ure chem chem chem chemicals says:
EROTIC SEX?

she then decided to changed her nick.

i love marinah fat fat girl who loves thick boiling tubes!!! says:
hahaha
i love marinah fat fat girl who loves thick boiling tubes!!! says:
seei love u

I LOVE U TOO SARAH WONG SHUN KHEE.

i didnt, did i?

2005-10-25T00:43:00.000+08:00

hehehee.
yup, those are 2 of the same people.
left: before mar
right: after mar
hahaha he claims he's still punk.
the harakiri superstar is now a kitten..

jk jk jk.
totally not true lah.
this is just one of them days when mar feels bored doing her 1,500 word history essay and decides to pretend she has changed someone's life when she hasn't.
hehe. but oh what a contrast!!!

=)
have a great day everyone.

it's a way of life

dear kai,

because i'm thankful

circean

bloxors

scratch that

abandon all hope

SAYANG

the real mar?

la belle nuit

live.

nofx, anniversary and whatever that comes in between and after

useless update

wet bunny happy bunny

pipi love

sleepy.

crap

la fraise

folie!

ADUWTGUWGOUSBDFHVAOIVA~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cold hearts

meow

hallmark holiday!

garbage

senses

secret wish

07 > 06

hush

secret keeper

breakdown!

there are 8 rules.

the happy bunny speaks

explosions in the sky

t.s.s.

1800 438 2000

where can u run to escape from yourself?

x)

bonne anniversaire, mon cheri.

no respect

hohohoho.

comment ca va?

who ever said holidaying was all smiles?

mailordering is shit.

ANNOUNCEMENT

why do wait for me?

comme a monthly update

WHOAAAAAAAA

can u keep a secret?

waiting for the final call

of Mills and Liberty.

The Silmarillion

msn madness

=)

Do it with Friends!

you and me

son of a *teet*

zerox #10

kill the boredom. WAHAA.

meno, socrates and the nature of virtue.

very very very petty.

spite me

stuck

GRAWR

darling & company.

make some noise

boredom strikes

what happened?

Introducing Pipi

A Punk Fiasco

haha

this isn't meant for you

never said i did

hi!

of a bottle

NUS SUCK

because i will

for you i bleed myself dry

pent up frustrations

purge

hello. lets get this done!

son of a teet