why do you wait for me?

Royalty

Marinah. I'm a vegetarian and I abhore animal abuse.
I can either be your Mary Poppins or your Tyler Durden, go figure.
I'm opinionated, pensive, intrepid and very very stubborn
I absolutely despise impudence, especially from those with no knowledge, talent or ideas of their own.
I'm anal about the use of language
Music and the deviant underground play a huge part in my life
Materialistic, but I believe in obtaining my own wealth, not depend on others.
Superficial at the very least, Judgmental at most
Currently, i'm just contented with my brain stimulated by literature, film and art
My heart filled with love by the PandaCat, my boys & bestfriends, pipi and my family
and my soul, exhilirated by the endless music and lyrics i'm exposed to daily

Reach Me

msn

at: kuchizuke__@hotmail.com (that's 2 underscores for you)
gmail

at: bitemeblondie@gmail.com

07 November, 2006 : the happy bunny speaks

hello.
when i try everytime to stop thinking too much, sometimes i fail. its just congenital i think. see? think. anyway, from the start both u and i know i'll be ranting long and randomly about them confused thoughts in this brain. bleah. so try stop me! i wish i cld stop myself sometimes. but here goes.

here we go again, down this path of insecurity. how exactly does it feel to be sure of yourself? to walk around with a perpetual smile on your face, to confront the despondence of life with such grace and dignity, to walk away from failure with that aura of success. how does it feel? to be in a world of perfection knowing ure nothing like it? do you know? i don't. and i have a feeling noone really knows. i have been told once to look deeper inside to find a peace of mind, to calm l'orage and sail through the morning, avec une belle sourire. believe me, i've tried, and so have most of u. sometimes i ask myself what are we all fighting for? or else, what are we all fighting against? could it be ourselves? or the person beside you? or your best friend? or your past lovers? dead pets? inexistent heroes? here you ask me why i'm so upset over the littlest things in life, about not getting that perfect set of cutlery to use, about not getting that room colour just right, about that strand of hair that refuses to stay in place when there are people starving elsewhere, when there are children in need of parents, when there are infants in need of touch. true that. why complain when u have 40 channels on tv to watch, why complain when you have legs to walk, why complain when u have your mp3 compatible handphone, or 18 756 bags to match with all your clothes? why are we never satisfied with what we ever have? is it because we're selfish?
i doubt so.
i refuse to believe we're all ignorant of the real world. we're not are we? some of us do volunteer work for the needy, some of us work our way up the corporate ladder, and use the money to help the poor. some of us give whatever we have to the little hungry kittens we see around us, some of us never fail to give that $2 to that old lady selling tissues. some of us speak up for the people who are less fortunate. some of us do.
so we're not all nonchalant towards society, no?
so why, when we're aware of so many people who are in much worse positions than us, are we so unhappy with ourselves? is it the lack of love? is it the lack of self-respect? is it the lack of retrospective thinking?
honestly speaking, i have no idea. if i can find the cure for insecurity, i'd make the world so very happy. i dont have any. one might say its because we can never be content with what we already have, that we view ourselves in retrospect to the person who weighs 5kgs lighter than u, who's 2 times fairer, who owns that car u wish u have, who has the partner u were supposed to be with if only you confessed, who has bigger eyes, who has dimples, who has more friends than you, who plays more instruments than u, who owns a band, a magazine, a distro, a club, a cafe. to a certain extent i feel its true, so very true. but why do that when we're all capable of rational thinking? we all know we're alright the way we are.

issit because of the need conventional acceptance? issit because in one way or another we all conform to what majority view as appealing? if so, why have the need to feel wanted? aren't we all fighting to prove our independence to the world? if so, why is being out of the norm considered filthy? why marginalize those who don't conform? why the need to conform?

sad to say i can't answer for everyone when it comes to this. or rather i'm too lazy to think about it but taking it down to a more personal level, i've always felt that there should be no need for me to feel insecure. i have a wonderful boyfriend, i'm surrounded by lovely friends, i have an adorable pet bunny, i'm in a good school (so they say). so why does insecurity creeps in? once upon a time, i believed that if i had that one person, to love me for who i am, regardless of how i behave, how i look, what i say or do, i might fight these insecurities inside. but love in itself has it flaws. sure, u can tell me u love me for my flaws, but not after reprimanding me when i commit them. sure, tell me u love the way i look, after telling me to do my hair or apply a little bit more blusher. [no kaisayang this isnt meant for u, this is just speaking in general ok?] where can u find unconditional love? of a mother's? yes for sure, a mother would love her child regardless of her facial features, or whether or not he/she was a murderer, but the whole idea of disappointment is there. the whole idea of yearning that ure child could be a little bit more humane, or that she would liken herself more to her family, that she wouldn't be such a sore thumb, it's all there. what more, finding that love in a stranger? dare u love me, if i killed your husband, u can ask ure best friend. dare u love me, if i lied to u, try asking your partner. dare u love me, if i failed u time and time again, ask anyone.
as a dear friend once told me, love earned isn't love owned. but love earned is still love in itself, isn't it? u ask ureself, why bother crying over a tiny comment your lover made about his past? why get upset over being in close proximity with his eyecandy when u know you've captured his heart? this, in my opinion, is because we're all afraid to lose. afraid to lose a friendship, afraid to lose a sacred connection u share, afraid to lose that attraction u have. loss, is seen as failure, bringing with it conotations of powerlessness, of being weak, of being not good enough. no, sweetheart, it is has never been about trust. u can trust someone with all ure heart and yet still be so afraid of losing him that u lose ureself. insecurity creeps in when u realize suddenly ure at a dead end, when u know theres nothing u can do to ureself that would so call heighten ure value to ure other party, or to ureself.
ure stuck, and theres nowhere to go.
so what do u do then?
this, im still asking myself. so if any of u have an answer, please speak up.

on a totally unrelated note,
Khairulnizam Abidin, thank u very much for all times uve made me smile. ure priceless, and im sure u know that. :)

Royalty

at: kuchizuke__@hotmail.com (that's 2 underscores for you)
gmail

at: bitemeblondie@gmail.com