why do you wait for me?

Royalty

Marinah. I'm a vegetarian and I abhore animal abuse.
I can either be your Mary Poppins or your Tyler Durden, go figure.
I'm opinionated, pensive, intrepid and very very stubborn
I absolutely despise impudence, especially from those with no knowledge, talent or ideas of their own.
I'm anal about the use of language
Music and the deviant underground play a huge part in my life
Materialistic, but I believe in obtaining my own wealth, not depend on others.
Superficial at the very least, Judgmental at most
Currently, i'm just contented with my brain stimulated by literature, film and art
My heart filled with love by the PandaCat, my boys & bestfriends, pipi and my family
and my soul, exhilirated by the endless music and lyrics i'm exposed to daily

Reach Me

msn

at: kuchizuke__@hotmail.com (that's 2 underscores for you)
gmail

at: bitemeblondie@gmail.com

23 November, 2005 : and so it is.

so while i'm writing this, i'm wondering, as usual about things i shouldn't be thinking about. yes yes i know i have a paper tomorrow but i think i just need to let out some thoughts before i can settle down to get anything done. I have Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter playing, I have my theatre notes sprawled all over the cold hard floor. I have remnants of this morning's half eaten bread (yuck, u say!) on my table. I have my hair tied up and I'm clad in the most comfortable of pyjammas. come into my world.

i'm sitting down this morning, in the bathroom, with the shower pouring down on me. water dripping down my back, my hair stuck to my neck and back, and i smile. when i look at myself i wonder why i have scratches, i wonder why i have ugly marks on my skin. and then i look away, disgusted. i think of how i can never be satisfied with myself. i think of how i can never love me like how i used to. no i don't need u to tell me i'm beautiful. i need to tell myself that. "vandalism is at its most beautiful when its done on pure smooth skin", i think. And then I remember someone telling me how he couldn't take his eyes off of me. I laugh to myself, i always do that. do you? And then i think how beautiful and simple everything was.

Everyone's telling me how happy they are for me. Everyone's giving me happy hugs. Everyone's thinking everything's alright. I shrug and smile and laugh. I tell them stories they want to hear and i tell them about beautiful accidents and sweet surprises. I'm the sunshine that u seek. I'm the warmth u long for. sure. I'm ok with that. I'm ok with anything. But really, do you know how everything's tearing me up? I have no idea why I'm writing this entry. Maybe as a tribute, maybe its in his honor, maybe its to rid of the guilt i'm feeling. "What guilt?" you ask. and truthfully i have no answer. all i know is that no matter what's being done to me, I can never forget how beautiful you are. I might have taken that step forward but hey, everyone knows I'm the sort to reminisce right? You were the friend I never had, you were the silent one staying by me to keep me sane. And so it is, you were the only one I had. There are times I hate myself for letting everything happen. For letting u despise me. For letting ME loath YOU. There are so many things i want to say to you, but you would never let me explain, and furthermore, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of consequences to come. I'm afraid I'd fall and I'm afraid this spiral will never end. So i'll hush and keep it all inside. I'm sorry to be the one to take a step forward. I'm sorry to be the one to mark the fullstop. I'm sorry to be the one to let go. I'm sorry I gave up. But one thing I'll never feel sorry for is for being there for you while I could. To be your salvation, the one you ran to for love and hugs. the one you cried to on the phone. the one you needed. i'll never be sorry for making you smile. i'll never be sorry for making you feel loved. i'll never be sorry for book-ins, for impromptu picnics, for silly zoo trips, for the promises i kept. I've always wanted you but I know it's all just impossible. I want to be your angel, keep u safe and keep u out of harm's way if i could. For your sake, I wanted to be invisible, so i could watch u and not be seen. so i could say things but not be heard. cos i never wanted replies. i never wanted answers. i just wanted to give.
so i've told everyone about you. about who you were and what you did. no i don't regret that. but i do regret not telling them enough about the person that you are. the sweetness in you, the endless love you had for me that drove you literally crazy. how you couldn't take your eyes off of me. how you couldn't get enough of me. how you wanted me more than anything in the world. i know i've hurt u. and likewise, you've hurt me too. but all the same, we cant take our minds off each other.

but know i'm gone. i've lost my wings and i'm stuck to the ground but theres someone here to help me now. and all i pray for is that u get the same treatment. never will i let anyone have u unless they could love u as much as i did. or maybe more. what happened to Rene Aaliya?
is it all just a dream?

we have to wake up now.
we have to face the world.
here i am trying to run away,
from my own shadow.

tell me its possible.

Royalty

at: kuchizuke__@hotmail.com (that's 2 underscores for you)
gmail

at: bitemeblondie@gmail.com